Carlos Zambrano, the colorful ace of the Chicago Cubs pitching staff, has already made some “guarantees” regarding the upcoming season.

“I believe this year, I can win the Cy Young, and besides that, we will win the World Series. I guarantee that. I have faith in that.”

Well, Carlos, I’d put your odds of winning the NL Cy at about 5 to 1. That is, if your arm doesn’t fall of from the obscene amount of innings Dusty Baker forced you to endure the past few seasons. And that’s also assuming the Cubs can score enough runs to actually win most of the games you pitch. But I’d say the odds of you receiving any personal accolades are exponentially higher than the Cubbies winning it all this season.

In case you haven’t heard, Carlos, your Cubs are cursed.

They haven’t won a championship in 99 years.

Remember, this is a culture that’s accustomed to losing. We’re 5 games into spring training and Cub fans have already created FireLouPinella.net. What else could you expect when your team hasn’t won the big one since the Roosevelt administration? (That’s Theodore Roosevelt, by the way.)

What’s worse, the Cubs’ AL counterparts for futility, the Red and White Sox, have removed the monkeys from their backs by winning championships in 2004 and ’05 respectively. Heck, even Peyton Manning and Phil Mickelson have shed their “can’t-win-the-big-one” monikers the past couple years. But alas, Cub fans, your team continues to wallow in perpetual pergatory, lovable little losers, mathematically eliminated by Easter. This seems to be your lot in life.

Cub fans, it’s best not to listen to your braggart ace. Let him win his Cy Young. Indeed, cheer him on to glory every fifth day. But dare not dream of October heroics and ticker tape parades. Best to leave those dreams of glory to the big boys, lest you have your heart ruptured like so many Mark Prior elbow tendons. Remember this and you’ll be just fine: Winners win and the Cubs lose. It’s what you’re supposed to do.

Signed,
A lifelong fan of the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals