So what do we mean by quality time?

Well, it’s more than simply spending time together. It needs to be quality time, not just down time. Quality time is NOT just sitting in the same room together. It’s not “screening in proximity.” You know what that is, right? It’s when you are scrolling on your phone while your partner is watching TV (or vice versa). Technically, you’re spending time in the same room. But that’s down time, not quality time.

To be clear, down time is really important. Everyone needs some time to unwind. And down time can be a sliver of your quality time. But it can’t be the main piece.

Down time is not quality time.

Put simply, quality time means making time. It’s a universal principle that we make time for the things that are important. We make time to go to the doctor because our health matters to us. We make time for recreational activities. Nobody has to tell me when my football team is playing — I plan my weekend around each game.

And the same holds true when it comes to time with our loved ones. We make time for them, we plan on being together. We currently have a text thread going with family members, trying to nail down plans for the holidays. It’s just what you do. We prioritize each other by making time for one another.

Years ago, a good friend of mine said something I still remember. He said, “Jason, I just want you to know that whenever I see your name pop up on my phone, I’m answering your call. Unless I’m having surgery and I absolutely cannot get to the phone, I will field your call any time.” That was my friend telling me that he would always make time for me, no matter what. And as someone who values quality time, that was important to me.

Quality time is made up of two key elements:

1. Quality conversation
2. Quality activities

Quality time is simply making time to talk together and making time to do things together. In a marriage, this might mean talking while you’re folding the laundry together. I should add, it could also mean going to the indoor shooting range and having a conversation about gun safety! With a good friend, it might mean a monthly phone call to check in. It might mean using that time to plan a trip together next summer. The possibilities are pretty limitless, as long as there is quality conversation and quality activity.

Quality Conversation

In The Five Love Languages, Chapman writes: “Quality conversation is quite different from the first love language. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.”

Quality conversation requires that we listen.

When we were first married, I had to learn the lesson that many young husbands eventually learn. Sunny has been teaching third grade for most of the time we’ve been married. And she would be telling me about some situation at school, some issue she was trying to work through. And I would listen for a couple of minutes and then I would blurt out, “You know, you ought to do so and so.” And I thought I was offering up some brilliant solution to her problem.

But I learned that Sunny usually wasn’t wanting me to fix her problem. She was just wanting me to listen. She just wanted to know that I cared enough to listen as she talked it out. I learned that she’s pretty capable of solving her problems on her own, especially as they pertain to her classroom and her students. She simply wanted me to listen.

If you’re married, you’ve probably experienced this tension. Ladies, you probably know that problem solving is still the “default setting” for us guys. So you’ll probably have to continue to be patient with us if we fall back into this pattern from time to time. But when I shared this with our church, one of my good friends told me how he and his wife address this together. Whenever his wife is sharing some problem situation, he asks, “Honey, am I listening or am I fixing? Let me know what you need from me and I’ll do it.” I think that’s incredibly wise. Asking this up front helps us know how to best demonstrate love to our spouse. Am I listening or am I fixing?

Chapman offers up five keys to quality conversation, which I have modified slightly:

Five Keys to Quality Conversation:

1. Maintain consistent eye contact. This is listening 101. Good listening begins not with the ears, but with the eyes. It helps us stay focused on the person and what they are saying.
2. Don’t try to multi-task while listening. The research is nearly unanimous here — multi-tasking decreases productivity and memory while also diluting your attention. It also communicates a lack of interest. (Sidebar: the research also shows that the people who think they’re good at multi-tasking are actually the worst.) Good listening means being fully present, both in mind and body.
3. Listen for feelings, not just facts. We should hear the information in the conversation, but we should also ask, “What emotion is this? What is my loved one feeling right now?” You can even clarify by saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling ___________. Is that correct?” Some of us have to learn how to do this. I didn’t grow up this way. We never really talked about our feelings as a family. I can’t picture my Dad walking in and saying to my Mom or me, “Let’s talk about our feelings.” But I’m proof that you CAN learn to listen at this level. The feelings are often driving the conversation way more than the facts anyway.
4. Observe body language. We’re talking about trembling hands and clenched fists. Smiling or frowning. Arms crossed or animated hands. Sometimes body language is telling the real story better than words.
5. Refuse to interrupt. Chapman notes that the average person listens for only 17 seconds before interrupting and interjecting his / her own ideas. 17 seconds! That’s not giving someone your undivided attention.

Quality Activity

This is just about finding something to do together. It’s really not so much about the action, it’s more about the intention. It’s more about the connection the activity brings about. So, really, almost anything can count as quality time if you’re present and attentive to one another.

To say it differently, it’s about presence, not just proximity.

If you have someone in your life whose love language is quality time, it’s really easy to fill their emotional tank as long as you do two things:

1. Be intentional.
2. Be present.

Examples:

• Go fishing with your grandson.
• Take your friend to dinner to celebrate her birthday.
• Offer to babysit for your neighbors so they can go out. (This is giving someone the gift of quality time with someone else.)
• Go to the grocery store with your wife.
• Watch Wheel of Fortune with your father-in-law.

The sky is really the limit on the ways you can share quality time with your loved ones just by being intentional and being present.