For the past few weeks, I’ve been reflecting on the five love languages identified by Dr. Gary Chapman. I think this has the potential to spark good discussion with loved ones, with the goal of being more attuned to the ways people receive love. For those of us who follow Jesus, we’re trying to love as He loved.

I noted a few weeks back that everyone needs to experience all five of these love languages. But it is also true that everyone has a primary love language. And the conflict that occurs in a marriage or within a family can often be attributed to the fact that we speak different love languages.

Here’s a common scenario as an example: say you have a husband whose primary love language is physical touch and a wife whose primary love language is words of affirmation. They’ve both been really busy for the past few days and they finally have some time together. She wants to sit down and talk because she has a week’s worth of things to tell her husband. And she wants him to talk, too! Meanwhile, all he wants to do is go to the bedroom with her.

How do you think that’s going to play out? There’s some conflict brewing in that scenario. And neither one is right or wrong — it’s just that they speak different love languages.

Chapman says that we tend to criticize our loved ones most loudly in the area where we have the deepest emotional need. He says your spouse’s criticism about your behavior provides you with the clearest clue as to his / her primary love language.

So in the scenario we just described, the wife is thinking, I don’t feel loved because we haven’t had the chance to talk.

And the husband is thinking, I don’t feel loved because we haven’t had any physical contact.

And when the inevitable conflict comes, those are the kinds of things that are going to be voiced — because these two have different love languages.

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There is a story in the Bible where this kind of conflict plays out — although it isn’t conflict between a husband and a wife. Instead, the conflict is between two sisters. But the root of the conflict is that they evidently spoke different love languages.

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving.

And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me alone to serve? Tell her then to help me.”

But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:38-42

We normally hear this passage as a rebuke of Martha while Mary is praised for focusing on Jesus. But I think we can learn something else, too.

Martha is like a lot of women I know: she concerns herself with everything that has to be done in order to be a good hostess. It’s all well and good that Mary gets to sit at the feet of Jesus. But Martha is probably thinking, That’s because I’m taking care of everything else! So she says to Jesus, “Don’t you care that my sister has left me to serve alone?” Martha seems to resent the fact that she’s been left alone in the kitchen to get everything ready. And on top of that, Mary doesn’t even help serve the food! So Martha wants Jesus to be the referee: “Tell her to help me!” Her emotional tank is pretty low.

If you had to guess, what is Martha’s love language? I think it’s pretty obvious that her love language is acts of service.

And Mary? She seems like a quality time person. Her emotional tank is full because she is able to spend time with Jesus.

Again, you can look at this and say that Mary is in the right and Martha is wrong — because Mary has her focus on Jesus. That’s true. But this story also shows us what happens when we don’t appreciate each other’s love languages — when we don’t take account of the way other people tend to feel loved.

Martha should realize that her sister’s love language is quality time, so she shouldn’t be so anxious and troubled, as Jesus says to her. That’s a fair point.

But at the same time, Mary should also recognize that Martha’s love language is acts of service, so it would be better for her to get up and at least help set the table after Martha has spent all day in the kitchen!

Just imagine how this story would play out differently if these two sisters simply acknowledged each other’s love languages!