So here’s an example of what this looks like. Or, rather, what this sounds like:

This gives some good examples of language that reflects healthy boundaries. I especially want to highlight two of these:

I will end this phone call if you continue to shout at me.

I’m not comfortable with that. If you do it again, I will have to leave.

These comments are really healthy, both emotionally and spiritually. These statements point out some bad behavior while staking out boundaries. “If you continue to do this, then I will make this choice. There will be a consequence if you continue to go down this path.” The idea here is that we cannot control someone else. Cloud and Townsend say it repeatedly in their book: the Bible talks about self-control, not “others” control. So we acknowledge that we cannot make someone do something. You might continue to shout on the phone or you might continue to take part in behavior that makes me uncomfortable.

But we CAN be clear on what we will and will not tolerate. “Here is the boundary and if you cross it, there will be consequences. Period. You will reap what you sow.”

We have to differentiate between consequences and a loss of love. They’re not the same thing. You can uphold the natural consequences of someone’s actions while still remaining tethered to them in love. That’s what God does with us. Sometimes we suffer the natural consequences of our actions; but this doesn’t mean that God has stopped loving us.

I love this quote from Lysa TerKeurst:

When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.

The principle of reaping and sowing is so important for us as we seek to establish healthy boundaries in our lives. When we always shield people from the consequences of their actions, we rob them of one of life’s greatest catalysts for change: pain.

Some of us find ourselves stuck in relationships that aren’t healthy. Take this person who is saying, “If you keep shouting at me, I’m going to hang up.” She is in a relationship with someone who feels that they can scream and yell at her — which is inflicting pain in this woman’s life. And maybe she’s allowed this to happen because she thinks that’s what she’s supposed to do: just be a doormat for everyone to treat her disrespectfully. What’s worse is that some people think that this is what it means to be a Christian — to just sit there and take it and take it and take it.

But what she’s saying here is so healthy — not just emotionally, but spiritually. Because she’s speaking up and communicating her pain.

I once read that “Ouch” is the most powerful word in communication. When someone says, “Ow, that hurts,” it’s jarring. It’s honest and it’s vulnerable and it completely changes the dynamic in the communication. This woman is saying, “Your tone of voice is hurtful to me. And I’m willing to tolerate it this one time; I’m willing to forgive this. But I’m letting you know that if you continue to go down this path, I won’t be party to it. I will not be a willing accomplice to your attempts to disrespect me. I have a boundary here for myself and if you don’t respect my boundary, I will have to walk away.”

To act as if the other person is not hurting her wouldn’t be truthful. And it wouldn’t be doing the offending party any favors. This other person needs to know that their actions are hurtful. And living with that little bit of pain might just be the catalyst to help them experience meaningful change in their lives.

But you’ll never get there if you don’t have a good boundary.

You’ll never get there without firm, clear boundaries based upon this biblical principle of reaping and sowing.