The boundary problem of control

Loving people well means respecting their boundaries. To disregard someone’s boundaries is to attempt to exert control over them.

As we noted in yesterday’s post, compliant people have a hard time saying no.

And controlling people have a hard time hearing no.

When I’m doing pre-marital counseling with a couple, I always talk to them about how they’re going to navigate the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It makes for great fodder for a counseling session — because it’s a real life issue that every family has to confront.

So I’ll say, “This will be your first holiday together as a married couple. How are you planning to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas?”

And that’s when it all comes out.

“Well, in his family, they always do their presents on Christmas Eve, so we’ll drive down to Tuscaloosa and spend the 23rd and the 24th with his family. But my Mom and her sisters always do a big thing on Christmas morning up in Tennessee, so we’ll wake up at 3am in Christmas morning and drive to Nashville to see all of them so we can do Christmas with them. But his step-dad’s side of the family does a big thing Christmas night, so we’re going to get on a plane that afternoon and fly to Oklahoma…”

I’m exhausted just listening to these plans.

If you have adult children, you should know that NOTHING stresses them out like figuring out how to navigate the holidays.

So when your adult kids finally work up the courage to say, “I don’t think we can come over on that day. We’re going to celebrate with his / her family this year,” — what do you say?

Well, I’ve been doing these pre-marital counseling sessions for years, so I know what some of you say!

“Well, we sure were hoping to see you. I’ve already told your cousins that you’d be here, but I guess I can tell them that you won’t make it.”

“You know, I already bought a 19 lb. turkey because I was counting on y’all being here. And I got that HoneyBaked Ham that you like — but I guess I’ll try to find the receipt and return it.”

“I just hope grandma makes it to next Thanksgiving since you won’t see her this year.”

That’s so controlling! All that guilt! Do you know how difficult it is for your adult kids to tell you this? They don’t want to disappoint you! But whenever this comes up, can you accept the fact that they have to tell you “No?”

Remember: controlling people have a hard time hearing “no.” And you don’t want to be a controlling person.

Simon Peter once tried to control Jesus. In Mark 8, the Lord was talking about the fact that He was going to have to die on the cross. But it says that Simon Peter pulled him aside and rebuked Him for this. He actually corrected Jesus and tried to control Him by saying that He shouldn’t talk about this! Peter didn’t want to accept this boundary. And do you remember how that turned out? Jesus said to him, “Get behind me, Satan!” (Mark 8:33)

A big part of maturing is learning to respect someone else’s boundaries.

Do you have a hard time saying, “No?”

Or do you have a hard time hearing the word, “No?”

If so, spend some time thinking about this principle of respect.

Maybe today you need permission to evaluate the areas of your life where you need to say “No” more often.

Maybe the message you’ve heard today will challenge you to listen for those areas where you’ve ignored someone else’s “No.”

Maybe there are some areas where you need to say, “Yes.”

Certainly when it comes to Jesus, I hope you’ll say “Yes.” Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.”

There is power in a simple “yes” or “no.”

He who has ears, let him hear.