That leads us to a helpful metaphor for this series: walls vs. fences.

Walls are barriers. They don’t allow access. A wall keeps the bad things out and protects that which is good. A wall is the most rigid boundary of all.

Fences serve a similar purpose; they certainly mark out the boundaries. But a fence allows far more access. Most fences have gates to allow people to enter and exit freely. Fences allow for greater connectivity than an inaccessible wall.

When it comes to establishing healthy boundaries, especially in our families, we should aim for fences with gates, not walls. The “leaving” part of Genesis 2 would be for this newly married couple to have their own space. That’s not to say that you’re sinning if you have to move in with Mom and Dad for a while. It’s just that long-term, God is saying that it’s better for everyone to have their own space. But this new space shouldn’t be walled off from your family. No, we want to build fences with gates rather than inaccessible walls.

Whenever someone opens the gate and gives you access to their life, you are receiving a tremendous gift. But you are also accepting some responsibility. Lysa TerKeurst sums this up with a simple statement: Access requires responsibility. If I’m going to grant you access, you have to steward that responsibility. That means you have to respect my boundaries.

This is a good place to address an important question. What should you do whenever someone doesn’t respect your boundaries? What should you do with someone who acts irresponsibly after you’ve granted them access to your heart?

It’s true that in most of our relationships, the healthy goal should be to establish fences with gates, not walls. But there are exceptions to this.

Unfortunately, we live in a fallen, broken world — and that means we live with the consequences of sin. We live in a world where people break their promises. We live in a world where, through no fault of your own, your boundaries can be violated — and those can be some of the most painful experiences of your life.

If you’re the victim of an abusive situation, you need some good walls in your life. Walls can protect that which is sacred and for the sake of your own healing, your abuser doesn’t need to have access to you anymore.

In other situations, you might have to build up some walls for a period of time until God can help you heal. You might need to guard the gate more closely for a period of time, at least until there’s some repentance. This can be really messy and it requires a lot of wisdom. But I just want to say that there are times when this is definitely the right approach.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to have firm boundaries with irresponsible people.

If access requires responsibility, then it also holds that irresponsibility should result in limited access — or perhaps no access at all, at least until the offending party can accept responsibility.