Within our families, we are trying to balance being connected with standing separately. Psychologists refer to this as self-differentiation. This is when I can voice my own thoughts or views, even if they’re different than yours. And yet, while doing this, I still maintain my connection to you. Our difference of opinion doesn’t have to take precedence over the relationship. What binds us together isn’t the fact that we agree on everything. We’re bound together by something greater: the unconditional love we share for one another as family.

The degree of health in a relationship can be defined by the degree of self-differentiation in a relationship.

The idea is that we should have appropriate boundaries but also maintain an appropriate level of connection. We’re balancing being an individual with being a part of the group.

There is a real danger whenever we get this out of balance.

Whenever you’re too individualistic, you act out of self-interest. You become selfish.

But whenever you’re too enmeshed, you easily lose sight of your own identity. You have no sense of self.

And both of these are boundary problems.

The goal is to balance your individuality along with being part of the group. That’s the essence of being a family.

You can see this in the relationship between God the Father, God the Son, and us. Look at what Jesus prays in John 17:

John 17:20-22

My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one…

The Father and the Son are one; they are connected. Yet they are also distinct; they function as individuals in the relationship. They have a unifying connection but the Father is NOT the Son; the Son is NOT the Father. And through Jesus, we are brought into this abiding connection — we are connected to God and to one another. Yet, we remain distinct from one another as well.

God intends for all of our relationships to operate in this way.

One of the most common boundary problems in families is what is referred to as “triangulation.” A triangle is, of course, made up of three sides. Relationally, we’re talking about the occurrence of one person attempting to create a “triangle” of two-against-one. It’s when a person uses a third party to manipulate or influence someone. You have an issue with one person but you go to another person to try and recruit them to your side.

Some examples from the Bible which have to do with family:

• Genesis 27:1-13 — Isaac has two sons, Esau and Jacob. Isaac says to Esau, “I’m going to die soon, so I want you to go hunt for some game. I want you to prepare a big meal and then I will give you my blessing.” But Rebekah, Isaac’s wife, conspires with Jacob to deceive Isaac. Rebekah and Jacob team up against Dad in order to get their way. This creates a rift in this family which lasts for years.
• Luke 10:38-42 — Martha is upset because she’s running around the house serving but her sister, Mary, doesn’t offer any help. Instead, Mary is spending time with Jesus. So what does Martha do? She complains to Jesus and tries to enlist Him to her side! Classic move: anytime I can get Jesus on my side, you lose. Martha creates a triangle — or at least she tries. But based on His response, we can see that Jesus doesn’t approve of this.

Think about some of the ways this plays out in families today:

• Siblings conspiring together against another sibling.
• Parents triangulating their children against their spouses.
• Divorced parents recruiting the kids to their side.

One of the best ways to safeguard against this is to obey the biblical teaching about direct communication.

Leviticus 19:17

You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him.

Matthew 5:23-24

So if you offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 18:15

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.