Boundaries in Families, Part 2

Posted on October 7, 2024 by Jason

That leads us to a helpful metaphor for this series: walls vs. fences.

Walls are barriers. They don’t allow access. A wall keeps the bad things out and protects that which is good. A wall is the most rigid boundary of all.

Fences serve a similar purpose; they certainly mark out the boundaries. But a fence allows far more access. Most fences have gates to allow people to enter and exit freely. Fences allow for greater connectivity than an inaccessible wall.

When it comes to establishing healthy boundaries, especially in our families, we should aim for fences with gates, not walls. The “leaving” part of Genesis 2 would be for this newly married couple to have their own space. That’s not to say that you’re sinning if you have to move in with Mom and Dad for a while. It’s just that long-term, God is saying that it’s better for everyone to have their own space. But this new space shouldn’t be walled off from your family. No, we want to build fences with gates rather than inaccessible walls.

Whenever someone opens the gate and gives you access to their life, you are receiving a tremendous gift. But you are also accepting some responsibility. Lysa TerKeurst sums this up with a simple statement: Access requires responsibility. If I’m going to grant you access, you have to steward that responsibility. That means you have to respect my boundaries.

This is a good place to address an important question. What should you do whenever someone doesn’t respect your boundaries? What should you do with someone who acts irresponsibly after you’ve granted them access to your heart?

It’s true that in most of our relationships, the healthy goal should be to establish fences with gates, not walls. But there are exceptions to this.

Unfortunately, we live in a fallen, broken world — and that means we live with the consequences of sin. We live in a world where people break their promises. We live in a world where, through no fault of your own, your boundaries can be violated — and those can be some of the most painful experiences of your life.

If you’re the victim of an abusive situation, you need some good walls in your life. Walls can protect that which is sacred and for the sake of your own healing, your abuser doesn’t need to have access to you anymore.

In other situations, you might have to build up some walls for a period of time until God can help you heal. You might need to guard the gate more closely for a period of time, at least until there’s some repentance. This can be really messy and it requires a lot of wisdom. But I just want to say that there are times when this is definitely the right approach.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to have firm boundaries with irresponsible people.

If access requires responsibility, then it also holds that irresponsibility should result in limited access — or perhaps no access at all, at least until the offending party can accept responsibility.

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Boundaries in Families, Part 1

Posted on October 6, 2024 by Jason

Family is where we learn about the importance of boundaries. Your Mom and Dad taught you about “Yes” and “No,” about how to behave and — just as importantly — how NOT to behave. Family is where we learn about sharing, about how to get along with other people. We learn so much about boundaries in the context of our family.

And family is usually where we need the boundaries the most.

Good boundaries in families come down to one thing: the balance between being together and being separate.

This principle is stated early on in the Bible, all the way back in Genesis 2.

Genesis 2:24

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

In this passage, God communicates His intentions for marriage and family. It involves three actions:

  • Leaving: There is a departure from one’s parents. The Hebrew word literally means “loosen.” In order to move forward in the covenant relationship of marriage, one must first loosen the connection to his family of origin. That also means that your parents have to loosen their grip on you, too.
  • Holding fast: This is to enter into a new covenant relationship with your spouse. This word can also be translated as “cling.” As the relationship with parents is loosened, the relationship with your husband / wife now becomes primary.
  • Becoming one flesh: the marriage covenant is sealed through the physical union of the married couple. The two have now become one.

So this passage teaches us that the covenant relationship of marriage is the most sacred of all human relationships. It reorders all other relationships, including the relationship you have with your parents.

As always, problems occur whenever we don’t follow the biblical pattern. It’s a problem when you don’t loosen your connection to your parents so that you can hold fast to your spouse. And as parents, it’s a problem whenever we don’t help our children let go of their connection to us.

When it says that a man “leaves” his father and his mother, it doesn’t mean that he terminates the relationship completely. He simply loosens that relationship a bit so he can hold tightly to the covenant relationship with his wife. And she does the same thing with her family.

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2024 MLB Playoff Picks: Divisional Round

Posted on October 4, 2024 by Jason

After one round, Sunny is looking good, especially with those Royals and Tigers picks.

Sunny: 3-1

Jason: 2-2

Joshua: 1-3

Round two features some major star power: Shohei (the NL MVP), Aaron Judge (the AL MVP), Tarik Skubal (the AL Cy Young), Bobby Witt (AL MVP runner-up), Jose Ramirez (3rd place in the AL MVP), Francisco Lindor (NL MVP runner-up)….to say nothing of Bryce Harper and Freddie Freeman and Mookie Betts and Juan Soto and Fernando Tatis, Jr. This round should be electric.

Here are our picks for the Divisional round:

Tigers vs. Guardians

Jason: Guardians; Joshua: Guardians; Sunny: Tigers

Skubal can only pitch once in this series, so I’m liking Cleveland.

Royals vs. Yankees

Jason: Yankees; Joshua: Yankees; Sunny: Royals

I think Kansas City is a good upset pick here, but I’m going to stick with the favorites and go with the Yankees. I’m thinking Cole and Rodon will be on their games in this series.

Mets vs. Phillies

Jason: Phillies; Joshua: Phillies; Sunny: Phillies

I really like this Philadelphia team to have a deep playoff run. Honestly, I would’ve preferred to see Brewers / Phillies, as I think that would’ve been a more competitive series.

Padres vs. Dodgers

Jason: Padres; Joshua: Padres; Sunny: Padres

I’m really surprised to see all three of us taking San Diego. This team is really complete and, just as importantly, they are much healthier than the Dodgers.

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MLB 2024 Playoff Picks: Wild Card Round

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Jason

Taking a break from my usual posting schedule this week due to fall break. But I am taking time to make our family’s annual predictions as we follow the MLB playoffs.

Tigers vs. Astros

Jason: Astros; Joshua: Astros; Sunny: Tigers

Royals vs. Orioles

Jason: Royals; Joshua: Orioles; Sunny: Royals

Mets vs. Brewers

Jason: Brewers; Joshua: Brewers; Sunny: Brewers

Braves vs. Padres

Jason: Padres; Joshua: Padres; Sunny: Padres

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Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Respect, Part 4

Posted on September 26, 2024 by Jason

The boundary problem of control

Loving people well means respecting their boundaries. To disregard someone’s boundaries is to attempt to exert control over them.

As we noted in yesterday’s post, compliant people have a hard time saying no.

And controlling people have a hard time hearing no.

When I’m doing pre-marital counseling with a couple, I always talk to them about how they’re going to navigate the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It makes for great fodder for a counseling session — because it’s a real life issue that every family has to confront.

So I’ll say, “This will be your first holiday together as a married couple. How are you planning to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas?”

And that’s when it all comes out.

“Well, in his family, they always do their presents on Christmas Eve, so we’ll drive down to Tuscaloosa and spend the 23rd and the 24th with his family. But my Mom and her sisters always do a big thing on Christmas morning up in Tennessee, so we’ll wake up at 3am in Christmas morning and drive to Nashville to see all of them so we can do Christmas with them. But his step-dad’s side of the family does a big thing Christmas night, so we’re going to get on a plane that afternoon and fly to Oklahoma…”

I’m exhausted just listening to these plans.

If you have adult children, you should know that NOTHING stresses them out like figuring out how to navigate the holidays.

So when your adult kids finally work up the courage to say, “I don’t think we can come over on that day. We’re going to celebrate with his / her family this year,” — what do you say?

Well, I’ve been doing these pre-marital counseling sessions for years, so I know what some of you say!

“Well, we sure were hoping to see you. I’ve already told your cousins that you’d be here, but I guess I can tell them that you won’t make it.”

“You know, I already bought a 19 lb. turkey because I was counting on y’all being here. And I got that HoneyBaked Ham that you like — but I guess I’ll try to find the receipt and return it.”

“I just hope grandma makes it to next Thanksgiving since you won’t see her this year.”

That’s so controlling! All that guilt! Do you know how difficult it is for your adult kids to tell you this? They don’t want to disappoint you! But whenever this comes up, can you accept the fact that they have to tell you “No?”

Remember: controlling people have a hard time hearing “no.” And you don’t want to be a controlling person.

Simon Peter once tried to control Jesus. In Mark 8, the Lord was talking about the fact that He was going to have to die on the cross. But it says that Simon Peter pulled him aside and rebuked Him for this. He actually corrected Jesus and tried to control Him by saying that He shouldn’t talk about this! Peter didn’t want to accept this boundary. And do you remember how that turned out? Jesus said to him, “Get behind me, Satan!” (Mark 8:33)

A big part of maturing is learning to respect someone else’s boundaries.

Do you have a hard time saying, “No?”

Or do you have a hard time hearing the word, “No?”

If so, spend some time thinking about this principle of respect.

Maybe today you need permission to evaluate the areas of your life where you need to say “No” more often.

Maybe the message you’ve heard today will challenge you to listen for those areas where you’ve ignored someone else’s “No.”

Maybe there are some areas where you need to say, “Yes.”

Certainly when it comes to Jesus, I hope you’ll say “Yes.” Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.”

There is power in a simple “yes” or “no.”

He who has ears, let him hear.

Posted in Boundaries, Christmas, Disappointment, Faith, Family, God, Jesus, Marriage, Parenting, Preaching, Scripture | Leave a comment

Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Respect, Part 3

Posted on September 24, 2024 by Jason

The boundary problem of compliance

Compliance is when we don’t respect ourselves enough to maintain healthy boundaries. Compliant people have “fuzzy” boundaries. Their “yes” and their “no” doesn’t really mean anything.

An example of this is the person who claims to have appropriate sexual boundaries, but they give in as soon as their boyfriend / girlfriend pressures them to go further.

Another example would be when you establish a boundary but someone pushes back against it. There is a temptation to take this as an indication that you’re doing something wrong. When this happens, you typically modify the boundary because the other person has convinced you that the boundary is the real problem. That’s what we mean when we talk about the boundary problem of compliance.

Compliant people have a hard time saying, “No.” Often times, they’ll feel as if it’s wrong for them to say “no.” So in an effort to be a people pleaser, they’ll say “yes” to something that they don’t really want to do.

But when this happens, we are violating the principle of respect. We’re not respecting ourselves enough to have healthy boundaries in place for ourselves. And we’re allowing other people to encroach upon our boundaries.

And more importantly, whenever this happens, we are disobeying Jesus. When he says, let your “yes” be “yes” and let your “no” be “no,” He means it. A desire to please people should never take precedence over a desire to obey Christ. Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 2:4, “We speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.” So when you say “yes” whenever you really mean “no” in your heart, your boundaries are fuzzy and you’re out of line with Jesus. Ask yourself what’s more important: pleasing God or pleasing somebody else?

The principle of respect helps us overcome this temptation toward compliance. It helps us draw the line between behavior we will tolerate and behavior we will not tolerate. It gives us the ability to truthfully say “yes” and “no.”

If you have children, you need to teach them the power of the word “no.” (I know some of you who have two-year olds are thinking, “My child has the one down pat already.”) Seriously, this is one of the most important jobs God has given you as a parent. You need to teach them how to be appropriately noncompliant. Most of the time, you only have a few years to teach them how to say “No” when everyone else is saying, “Yes.” If someone is doing something that makes your child uncomfortable, does he or she know how to speak up? It’s your job to teach them how to say, “No, don’t do that to me. You’re making me feel uncomfortable. Stop that.”

The parent who says to their child, “Don’t you tell me no!” is really doing that child a disservice. You don’t want your babies to think that saying “no” is always a bad thing.

We’ll have more to say about this in a few weeks when we talk about boundaries in parenting. But it’s important to model this for your children — to show them how to say “no” in a healthy way.

In her book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Lysa TerKeurst says, “The absence of boundaries means the presence of chaos.” And if you’re a compliant person who always has to go along to get along, your life probably feels chaotic. If you can relate to that, I hope you’ll take your need for boundaries seriously. That’s just part of having a healthy respect for yourself.

Posted in Books, Boundaries, Faith, Family, Friends, God, Jesus, Kingdom Values, Parenting, Preaching, Quotes, Scripture | Leave a comment

Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Respect, Part 2

Posted on September 23, 2024 by Jason

It is a fundamental biblical teaching that every human being is deserving of a modicum of respect. Here are some of the key reasons for this:

  1. Each person is made in the image of God.
    • Genesis 1:27, So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
  2. Each person is fearfully and wonderfully made.
    • Psalm 139:13-14, For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
  3. God considers each person in the world to be worthy of saving.
    • John 3:16, For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Everyone is deserving of a baseline level of respect because every human being is fearfully and wonderfully created to bear the image of God. And even though that image has been tarnished by sin, God still sees every person who has ever lived as worthy of the sacrifice of His only begotten Son. That confers incredible dignity to each human life: male and female; young and old; black and white and brown; born and unborn; rich and poor.

And respecting people means that we are to respect their boundaries. Part of the principle of respect has to do with honoring the words “Yes” and “No.” Once again, this idea comes directly from Jesus himself.

Matthew 5:33-37

Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, “Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.” But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. All you need to say is simply, “Yes” or “No”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

Jesus teaches His followers to avoid any sort of appeal beyond the integrity of their own words. You don’t need to swear an oath by heaven or earth or Jerusalem — just say what you mean and mean what you say. Your simple “Yes” or “No” should suffice if you’re a truth-teller. We’re supposed to have a healthy relationship with the words “Yes” and “No.”

When “yes” doesn’t mean “yes” and when “no” doesn’t mean “no,” Jesus says that this comes from the evil one.

James, the brother of Jesus, repeats this idea in his epistle:

James 5:12

Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear — not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise you will be condemned.

We can extrapolate from this principle that we are to respect the boundaries of others by respecting their “yes” and their “no.”

But the principle of respect is frequently violated when it comes to boundaries. Here are two of the most common ways this principle is ignored:

  1. The boundary problem of compliance
  2. The boundary problem of control
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Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Respect, Part 1

Posted on September 22, 2024 by Jason

In our Boundaries series, we have identified three biblical principles for developing healthy boundaries:

  1. The Principle of Responsibility
  2. The Principle of Reaping
  3. The Principle of Respect

Today we turn our attention to the third of these principles: the principle of respect.

Healthy relationships are founded upon mutual respect.

When someone shows that they have respect for your boundaries, you feel dignified. You feel as if you really matter whenever another individual honors the boundaries you’ve established.

Contrast that with the way you feel when your boundaries are questioned. How does it feel whenever you’re made to defend or explain your boundaries? How do you feel when someone pushes against those boundaries? That’s an altogether different experience.

One of the most reliable ways to ensure that someone respects your boundaries is to show proper respect for his / her boundaries. This idea is at the heart of one of the most well known teachings of Jesus. We call it the Golden Rule.

Matthew 7:12

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

I can’t hear these words without thinking of my mother. I bet she quoted this verse to me more than any other. This was my Mom’s go-to response for almost any problem I would bring to her. If I was telling her about a problem I was having with a friend or a classmate, for example, I could count on her to say, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Mom believed that most of life’s problems could be cleared up if we just did what Jesus tells us to do here.

At the heart of it, this teaching is about respect. If you want someone to treat you with kindness, you should respect her enough to treat her with that same level of kindness. And for our boundaries series, this opens us up to an important principle: Boundary markers are to be respected. In the spirit of “treat others the way you want to be treated,” if I want you to respect my boundary, I need to be respectful of your boundary as well.

This seems simple enough. But so many of our boundary problems boil down to a lack of proper respect.

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Philadelphia Trip

Posted on September 20, 2024 by Jason

When your favorite band and your son’s favorite band go on tour together, you take a road trip — which is what Jackson and I did last week. A couple months back, The War on Drugs and The National announced that they’d be playing a series of shows together this fall. After looking at the calendar, we chose to see them in Philadelphia. And we had so much fun!

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Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Respect, Part 4

Posted on September 18, 2024 by Jason

Establishing healthy boundaries sometimes requires you to make some hard decisions.

All of our kids have Life360 on their phones. If you don’t know what that is, it’s an app that lets you track where your children are at all times. My kids have referred to it as the parental stalking app. It’s great — it gives you little notifications when they arrive at home or at school or whatever. When they started driving, we added that to their phones.

Anyway, I think Abby Kate was a senior in high school when this happened. Sunny and I were headed out of town for a wedding one Friday afternoon and I got this notification on my phone that Abby Kate had left school. But the school day wasn’t over yet. It was her last period of the day and the teacher was sick or whatever and they weren’t doing anything that day and it was a Friday — so she just left school.

I thought to myself, “Well, she comes by it naturally, I guess.” It was this full circle moment for me.

Of course, she got busted and they were talking about some slap on the wrist discipline for her. So she was saying, “This is no big deal. We weren’t doing anything in class and it was the last period of the day.” She asked me if I could talk to the principal, just say that this was no big deal. And I said, “No, I can’t do that.”

She said, “Why not?”

I said, “Because I’m the one who called and turned you in for skipping class.”

She said, “You did what?”

I said, “Yeah, when I saw that you had left, I called the school and told them that you weren’t there.” When the receptionist answered the phone, I said, “Hi, there, this is Jason Bybee. I would like to report that my daughter has just left school. I would like for her to be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.”

I said, “So, yeah, Abby Kate, I called and turned you in.”

She said, “Why would you do that?”

Because you reap what you sow. And sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let someone suffer the natural consequences of their actions.

Things were a little frosty with my teenage daughter there for a while. But it was the right decision because it reinforced a lesson about boundaries and consequences — a lesson we all have to learn.

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