One of the most common boundary violations is when we over-function. Over-functioning is when someone assumes too much responsibility in a particular relationship. It’s when one person assumes responsibility for someone else’s yard.

That’s what’s going on in the story about John and his parents. These parents have over-functioned to the point that they’ve enabled John to neglect his responsibilities completely. John’s parents have all of the anxiety for his well being. That’s natural when you’re dealing with an infant or a toddler who needs you to take care of their needs for food and clothing and shelter. Those of you who are young Moms and Dads, it’s natural to feel that anxiety for your babies — they’re depending on you to care for them.

But John is twenty-five years old! It’s time for him to take responsibility for himself! Would you agree? But up until this point, his parents have been over-functioning — and they’re understandably exhausted. That’s why Dr. Cloud encourages them to establish better boundaries with their son. The goal is to help curb their over-functioning.

People over-function in other relationships as well. You also see this quite a bit in marriage these days.

There’s this popular cultural myth that you can be someone’s “soulmate.” I’ll just tell you, I think this is dangerous. People say things like, “He completes me.” The idea there is that you have some deficiency in your soul that can only be filled by this one person in the entire world, your “soulmate.”

And marriage counselors will tell you that this expectation is really crushing to a lot of marriages. It’s too much weight to carry — because you’re a broken. flawed person. You’re kind of a wreck because of the presence of sin in your life. So how could another broken, flawed person — someone who is equally wrecked by sin — ever “complete you” in a meaningful way?

The whole thing is idolatry because the only remedy for your soul is Jesus Christ — not your husband or your wife or your fiancé or your boyfriend or your girlfriend. Only Jesus.

But the problem is that so many people try to meet this unrealistic expectation by over-functioning in the relationship. They assume that they are responsible for their spouse’s happiness and well being because they have to be this person’s soulmate. So they try to be the redeemer in the marriage — and that leads to all kinds of problems.

This is one of the most common boundary violations.