Recently, I’ve become aware of the person I’ve been conditioned to be. My influences and experiences have helped shape me into the person I am and I’m so thankful for the individual influences God continues to place in my life. But after 30 years of living, I can finally see that the person I’ve been conditioned to be and the person I want to be are often two different people.

I was taught to defend myself, to stand up for myself. “Hit back harder,” I was told. “Show ’em you’re tough.” I learned quickly that if I didn’t stand up for myself, I shouldn’t expect anyone else to, either.

I was taught to never cry. “Crying’s for girls,” I was told. “Crying means you’re weak.” At some point, I learned the nuanced art of keeping others at arm’s length. I developed an aversion to intimacy, for intimacy necessitates making yourself vulnerable to another. Even to this day, admitting weakness is still difficult for me.

I was taught to be my own person. “Be confident,” I was told. “Believe in yourself.” For as long as I can remember, I’ve adhered to the principle of individualism as the code of my life. It’s as if there was no loftier goal than to be my own man, to have my own voice. As a result, I’m the world’s worst at asking for help.

I learned to play to win. I learned that competition proves what you’re made of. All my life, I’ve competed with myself. I’ve been driven by a compulsion to prove myself to myself.

I learned to be skeptical, to question, to doubt. I learned to play it close to the vest. I learned to keep my pain and fear to myself. Never trust, never disclose.

I’ve been conditioned to love conditionally.

But the more I see of Jesus, the more I realize that His way is the better way.

Instead of “Hit back harder”, he implores me: Turn the other cheek.
Rather than “Hide your weakness”, he bids me to embrace them, clinging to His promise: My power is made perfect in weakness.
He transforms “Believe in yourself” into: Believe in me and my ability to work in and through you, in spite of you.

Lord Jesus, may I be conformed to Your likeness. Grant that I would die to the person I’ve been conditioned to be. Send your Spirit, that I may become who You would have me be.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.