There are certain things we all share in common: each one of us has a soul, a mind, a heart. The Bible says that each person is made in the image of God — and that applies to everyone who has ever lived. In a lot of meaningful ways, we’re all very much alike.
And yet, we also have some significant differences. We are shaped by differing experiences. Our backgrounds are diverse. Our personalities are quite different, as reflected in the Enneagram numbers and Myers-Briggs letters. That’s part of the beauty of God’s creation: we’re all alike but we’re also very different.
And one of those differences is in what has been described as our “love languages.” In his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman says that everyone has a primary love language — the way they best receive love from others.
Chapman identifies these as the five primary love languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
- Receiving Gifts
Dr. Chapman says that everyone has an emotional tank that needs to be filled with love. That’s another one of those similarities we share. It’s a basic human need to feel loved. But the difference comes in the way we best receive that love.
For some people, words of affirmation are really important. If this is your primary love language, then you need to hear the words, “I love you.” You need to hear affirming words on a regular basis in order to feel secure and loved. I would add that those loving words need to be matched by a loving tone in order for people to have their emotional tank filled.
For others, it’s less about words and more about time. For these folks, the need is quality time with their loved ones. “I don’t care what we do, as long as we’re together.” That’s the love language of quality time.
Another group of people are more motivated by acts of service. Their attitude is basically, “Don’t tell me that you love me; instead, show me that you love me by the things you do.” These are “actions speak louder than words” people.
And yet, for others, physical touch is their primary love language. This gets into the intimate relationship between husbands and wives, but it’s also much more than that. Physical touch could be something as simple as a hug or putting a hand on someone’s shoulder when they need consolation. Sometimes that communicates more than anything else.
For a final group of people, receiving gifts fills them with a feeling of love and appreciation. You’ve heard the saying, “It’s the thought that counts.” Well, for these people that’s especially true. They receive that thoughtfulness as an act of love.
The idea is that everyone needs a healthy balance of these expressions of love. But everyone also has one or two of these that really stand out as especially meaningful.
Over the next few weeks, I’d like to explore these love languages here in this space. And I hope the reason is evident: because understanding these love languages will help us learn how to better love the people in our lives. And by learning how to love, we demonstrate faithfulness to the teaching of Jesus.
And loving people well is a hallmark of following Jesus.
Think about your primary love language. Which one of these stands out to you? Think about your relationship with your spouse or your parents or your close friends. What do they do that means the most to you?
Do you cherish words of affirmation from your loved ones?
Maybe a hug or some other kind of loving touch means more to you than all the words in the world.
Do you crave that quality time with your loved ones above anything else?
Perhaps it’s an act of service that means the most to you. Do you fall in love with your husband a little more whenever he unloads the dishwasher?
Is it receiving gifts — even the “little things” — that makes your heart feel full?
Now think about the people in your life. Can you identify someone in your world who seems to receive love in each of these ways? It’s really not hard once you think about it.
Let’s use these love languages to love people well.
In so doing, we just might learn to love like Jesus.
already & not yet 