A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

Proverbs 25:11

Gold stands out, even when surrounded by silver. And the writer of Proverbs says that the right word spoken at the right time stands out in similar fashion.

I will always associate this verse with a devotional from my youth group days. We called it “the apple devotional” and it took place every year at our fall retreat. On the last night we would get in a big room and our youth minister told us to sit in a circle. In the middle of the circle was a basket filled with these “apples” made of gold construction paper. One at a time, you were supposed to get up, take an “apple” and give it to someone, saying something encouraging about them. “You’re my best friend.” “You’re always there for me.” “You always know how to make me laugh.” “In the worst moments of my life, I knew I could count on you.” It was just this huge time of encouragement.

I can still remember some of the words of encouragement I received that night.

I remember words my friends spoke over me and the opportunity I had to let them know how much they meant to me.

I remember some of the things that my youth minister said to me that 100% changed my life.

Those words filled me with encouragement and hope and they helped me hear God’s call on my life. I’m someone who has been loved well through words of encouragement and affirmation.

And starting back then, I began collecting all the encouraging notes that I received from people. I keep a file that is now several inches thick — filled with these notes from twenty and thirty years ago alongside notes I’ve received recently. It contains a lot of notes from Sunny; she’s always so good to write the most thoughtful things inside my birthday cards. My kids have written me a lot of notes over the years and they’ve gone into the file, too. It has notes from members of the church we served in Kingsport, Tennessee all the way back in 1999. It has cards from parents whose children I influenced, church members whose family members I married or buried, friends who simply wanted to encourage me with their kindness.

These words have done for me what Barnabas did for Paul and John Mark. They have encouraged me, helped me, filled me with strength.

They have been apples of gold in settings of silver to me.

Because encouraging words always make a difference.

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If you want to use your words to love people well, here are five statements everyone needs to hear. Each of these statements is an expression of love.

1. I love you.
2. I respect you.
3. I’m sorry.
4. I forgive you.
5. I appreciate you for ________________.

“I love you.”

I suppose this one is obvious, but everyone needs to hear these words. And we need to hear them repeatedly throughout our lives.

You don’t want to be like the guy in the old preacher story. (I remember my preacher telling this story in one of his sermons decades ago.) The story goes like this: an older couple comes in for marriage counseling. The wife says to the counselor, “He never tells me that he loves me.” The counselor looks at the husband and asks, “Is this true?” The husband replies, “Well, yes, it’s true. But I told her that I loved her on the day we got married. If I had changed my mind, I would have said so.”

Yeah, you don’t want to be like that guy.

If there is someone in your life whose love language is words of affirmation, they need to hear this from you quite often. You might think, “Well, that’s just not me. I’m a person of few words.” But that’s the problem — love isn’t only about you. It’s about the other person. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says love does not seek its own (KJV) — it does not insist on its own way (ESV).

Your loved ones need to hear “I love you.”

“I respect you.”

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs pointed this out in his best-selling book. He noted that women need to hear, “I love you,” and men need to hear, “I respect you.” I’m sure there’s some truth to that claim. But it’s also a generalization and those can often times miss the mark. No doubt there are both men AND women in our lives who need to hear us say how much we respect them.

Here are just a few examples of what this might sound like:

• “I have a lot of respect for the way you run your business.”
• “I respect the way you prioritize your family. It shows.”
• “I respect how bold you are in your faith.”

Maybe you’re not really close enough to say, “I love you,” to a co-worker or neighbor. Fair enough. But you could probably find a way to say, “I respect you.”

An offshoot of this that I use all the time is “I admire you.” It’s just another way of saying that you respect someone. Pick out a quality that you admire and then let them know.

“I’m sorry.”

It is a loving thing to apologize when you’re in the wrong. It puts us in a posture of humility to admit that we have hurt someone else. Often times, a simple apology goes a long way because the hurting person is just wanting us to acknowledge their pain.

I should probably make it clear that we’re talking about sincere apologies here. Sometimes when we use the phrase, “I’m sorry,” it doesn’t really sound like we’re sorry. Sometimes people will say, “Well, I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive that your feelings keep getting hurt.” That doesn’t really sound like you’re sorry.

I have a friend who told me that instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” she tries to say, “Will you forgive me?” We hear “I’m sorry” all the time, so much that it can lose some of its meaning. But to say “Will you forgive me?” requires tremendous vulnerability — and there’s real power in that statement.

Is there someone who needs to hear those words from you?

“I forgive you.”

Closely related to “I’m sorry” is “I forgive you.” These are some of the most powerful words we’ll ever have the chance to speak.

If you ever find yourself in a position where someone is asking for your forgiveness, remember what it says in 1 Corinthians 13:5 — love keeps no record of wrongs.

You will never be more Christlike than when you forgive someone who has wronged you, when you love someone who does not deserve your love. Jesus prays from the cross, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

It is such a loving thing when someone lays down their right to be aggrieved, when they release the burden of guilt from someone and say, “I forgive you.” The opportunities to say this don’t come around very often, but if you ever find yourself in this spot, I hope you’ll remember that the most Christlike thing you’ll ever do is to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it.

“I appreciate you for ____________________ (fill in the blank).”

Psychologist William James says that one of the deepest human needs is the need to feel appreciated. So fill in the blank on this one. If you were to say this to your loved ones, what would you say?

When is the last time you said something like this to a co-worker?

Your children?

Your parents?

Your siblings?

Your spouse?

Here’s the ultimate test: when is the last time you said this to your in-laws? (Gary Bradley, one of my mentors, would say, “Okay, You’ve gone from preaching to meddling with this one, Jason.”)

If you want to improve your relationship with your son-in-law, your daughter-in-law, your mother-in-law, try loving them with words of affirmation. Tell them what you appreciate about them. You can say, “I really appreciate the way you care for my daughter.” Or, “You raised an incredible son and I am blessed to have him in my life.” Those words of appreciation will go a long way.

My mother’s mother once told me something about my Dad after he passed away. She said, “Alton didn’t have much to say when was around us.” I pictured my mother and all of her sisters sitting around the kitchen table talking and I thought, “Yeah, I bet he couldn’t get in a word. Nobody could.” But my grandmother said, “He didn’t say much around us but he always complimented my cooking. He knew that was important to me.”

Could this be our homework this week? To tell someone that you appreciate them? It sounds pretty simple. But imagine what God could begin to do through that intentional, loving action. God changes the world through intentional, loving actions.

Let’s use our words this week to show love to the people in our lives.