Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Responsibility, Part 4

Posted on September 11, 2024 by Jason

A lot of our problems arise whenever we don’t understand the difference between the boulders and the backpacks.

Think about the problems that come about whenever people try to carry their boulders on their own. This is the person who refuses to ask for help. Maybe they’re afraid; maybe their pride won’t let them admit that the boulder is too heavy. Either way, they have a boundary problem.

One afternoon, years ago, I was at work and I entered the stairwell heading up to our education wing. And I found one of my co-workers stuck about halfway up the stairs with a huge piece of furniture hoisted onto his back. And he was trying to make the turn there on the landing while this massive piece of furniture was wobbling back and forth.

I said, “Hang on, let me help you.”

And he said, “No, no. I got it. I’m good.”

I said, “Yeah, I can tell you’re in total control here. I’m helping you before you kill somebody with this furniture — either yourself or, more importantly, ME!”

The whole thing was comical. He was trying to fit that boulder into his backpack and it wouldn’t fit.

That’s because boulders don’t fit into backpacks.

And sometimes we do the same thing. We’re going through some awful circumstance and we know it’s too heavy for us. We’re not eating well, we’re not sleeping. But a lot times, we’ll just try to shoulder that heavy burden all by ourselves.

And that’s a boundary problem. That is NOT the life God intends for you to live.

God never intended for you to carry the boulders of life by yourself. You need to find people who can help you, people who can shoulder that burden with you. And this is a biblical command right here in Galatians. If you’re guilty of trying to carry the boulder all on your own, please read over this passage again and think about what God might be saying to you through these words.

And it’s equally troubling whenever someone acts as if their daily load — their backpack — is a heavy boulder they can’t carry.

Whenever someone does this, they are ignoring their own responsibilities. Instead, they assign that responsibility to someone else. They falsely believe that they are so fragile that they cannot carry their own backpack. It’s not a loving thing to do to enable someone in this way.

That’s pretty much what’s going on in the story about John and his parents. His parents have blurred the boundaries to the degree that John has almost no responsibility. He never has to carry his own backpack. But that’s not what grownups do. Mature adults take responsibility for their own actions and thoughts and feelings and decisions. Sometimes spiritual maturity simply means acting like a grownup.

This is why the Bible teaches us that each one should carry their own load.

It is NOT lacking in compassion to expect everyone to carry their own backpack. Someone who thinks their backpack is a boulder is actually in denial. This person needs a reality check.

Personal responsibility is just as biblical as compassion. Jesus holds us to both standards — the standard of compassion for others but also the standard of personal accountability and responsibility.

Understanding the difference between the boulders and the backpacks will help us to differentiate between being responsible TO and being responsible FOR.

Christians have a responsibility TO one another to help whenever someone is facing those boulder-like situations in life. Whenever you’re being crushed by the boulder, it is my responsibility to jump in and help.

But each person is ultimately responsible FOR his or her own actions. I can’t be responsible FOR you, just as you cannot be responsible FOR me. Ultimately, each person will have to stand before God someday and give an account for their own actions — no one else’s. And in keeping with this principle, you have a responsibility to carry your own backpack, even if you think it’s a boulder, just like I have a responsibility to carry mine.

Do you see how this principle of responsibility — knowing who I am responsible FOR and who I am responsible TO — can be helpful as we establish boundaries for ourselves and in our relationships with others?

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Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Responsibility, Part 3

Posted on September 10, 2024 by Jason

The biblical principle of responsibility brings clarity in these areas where we might otherwise be tempted to over-function. The principle of responsibility helps us carve out some important boundaries in our lives.

To illustrate this, I’d like to look at Paul’s teaching in Galatians 6.

Galatians 6:1-5

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.

In the middle of this teaching, Paul says two things that seem to be contradictory:

  • V2, Carry each other’s burdens.
  • V5, Each one should carry their own load.

Okay, so which one is it? Do we carry each other’s burdens or is each person responsible for carrying his / her own load?

And the answer is…both. We have a responsibility TO carry each other’s burdens. And each person is also responsible FOR carrying their own load.

The words Paul uses for “burden” and “load” give us some insight here. There is a subtle different in these words.

The Greek word for “burden” in v2 points to something excessive. It refers to a heavy weight or a stone that someone was required to carry for a long distance. Picture someone who is hauling around a heavy rock, a boulder, up a steep incline. This kind of burden would crush you if you tried to carry it alone.

This is a picture of the Moeraki Boulders that form naturally along the coast of New Zealand. Imagine trying to carry something this size on your own. It can’t be done! And that’s kind of the idea behind the word Paul uses here. He’s talking about burdens which are way too heavy for you to carry alone. You need other people to get up under that weight with you, to help shoulder that burden.

Here is a simple way to remember this: burden = boulder.

But the word for “load” in v5 is an altogether different word. This Greek word was often used to describe a knapsack or a backpack. Whereas a burden is excessively heavy and requires help in order to carry it, the “load” Paul speaks of is a reference to more everyday cares and concerns. These are the kinds of things that you need to be able to carry on your own. They go in your backpack.

And everyone has a responsibility to carry their own backpack. Remember, load = backpack.

So the difference in these teachings is like the difference between a boulder and a backpack.

  • The boulder is a crisis or a tragedy that is just crushing. It’s something you cannot carry around on your own.
  • The backpack, on the other hand, is something you CAN carry. Everyone is expected to carry their own backpack — their own daily loads.
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Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Responsibility, Part 2

Posted on September 9, 2024 by Jason

One of the most common boundary violations is when we over-function. Over-functioning is when someone assumes too much responsibility in a particular relationship. It’s when one person assumes responsibility for someone else’s yard.

That’s what’s going on in the story about John and his parents. These parents have over-functioned to the point that they’ve enabled John to neglect his responsibilities completely. John’s parents have all of the anxiety for his well being. That’s natural when you’re dealing with an infant or a toddler who needs you to take care of their needs for food and clothing and shelter. Those of you who are young Moms and Dads, it’s natural to feel that anxiety for your babies — they’re depending on you to care for them.

But John is twenty-five years old! It’s time for him to take responsibility for himself! Would you agree? But up until this point, his parents have been over-functioning — and they’re understandably exhausted. That’s why Dr. Cloud encourages them to establish better boundaries with their son. The goal is to help curb their over-functioning.

People over-function in other relationships as well. You also see this quite a bit in marriage these days.

There’s this popular cultural myth that you can be someone’s “soulmate.” I’ll just tell you, I think this is dangerous. People say things like, “He completes me.” The idea there is that you have some deficiency in your soul that can only be filled by this one person in the entire world, your “soulmate.”

And marriage counselors will tell you that this expectation is really crushing to a lot of marriages. It’s too much weight to carry — because you’re a broken. flawed person. You’re kind of a wreck because of the presence of sin in your life. So how could another broken, flawed person — someone who is equally wrecked by sin — ever “complete you” in a meaningful way?

The whole thing is idolatry because the only remedy for your soul is Jesus Christ — not your husband or your wife or your fiancé or your boyfriend or your girlfriend. Only Jesus.

But the problem is that so many people try to meet this unrealistic expectation by over-functioning in the relationship. They assume that they are responsible for their spouse’s happiness and well being because they have to be this person’s soulmate. So they try to be the redeemer in the marriage — and that leads to all kinds of problems.

This is one of the most common boundary violations.

Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Culture, Faith, Family, God, Jesus, Marriage, Parenting, Preaching | Leave a comment

Developing Healthy Boundaries: The Principle of Responsibility, Part 1

Posted on September 8, 2024 by Jason

Last week, we kicked off a new series entitled Boundaries: Setting Healthy Limits. The aim of this series is to help us establish godly boundaries for our lives, primarily in our relationships. This is predicated on the idea that clear boundaries are a part of every healthy relationship.

We started this series by talking about a simple idea: boundaries are biblical. Boundaries have been a part of God’s creation since the beginning. We noted that whenever God creates or gives a command, He’s establishing a boundary. That means boundaries are inherently good. Of course, Satan comes along and blurs God’s boundaries — both in the Garden of Eden but also in our lives. You can probably think of an area of your life where Satan tempts you to blur God’s clear boundary. That’s why God tells us to guard our hearts above all else (Proverbs 4:23). God is saying that it is important for us to have healthy boundaries.

And this week, we want to build on that foundation by looking at several biblical principles for developing healthy boundaries. Over the next three weeks, I’d like for us to focus on these three principles:

  1. The Principle of Responsibility
  2. The Principle of Reaping
  3. The Principle of Respect

Today we will focus on the first of these: the principle of responsibility.

I want to begin with a story that Dr. Henry Cloud tells in his Boundaries book. I’ve edited it slightly for brevity.

The parents of a twenty-five-year-old man came to see me with a typical request: they wanted me to “fix” their son, John. When I asked where John was, they answered, “Oh, he didn’t want to come.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Well, he doesn’t think he has a problem,” they replied.

They recited a history of their son’s problems that began at a very young age. John had never quite measured up to their high expectations. As a young man, he had developed a drug problem; he kept dropping out of school; and he couldn’t keep a job.

It was apparent that they loved their son very much and were heartbroken over the way he was living. They had tried everything they knew to get him to take responsibility for his life, but nothing seemed to work.

They told me that they had always given him everything he needed. He had plenty of money at school “so he wouldn’t have to work and he would have plenty of time for study and a social life.” When he flunked out of one school or stopped going to classes, they did everything they could to get him into another school, “where it might be better for him.”

After they had talked for a while, I responded: “I think your son is right. He doesn’t have a problem.”

They stared at me in disbelief before the father finally snapped back, “You don’t think he has a problem?”

I said, “That’s correct. He doesn’t have a problem. You do. You pay his bills, you fret over his school situation, you exert all this energy to keep him going. He doesn’t have a problem because you keep taking his problems away from him. Those things should be his problem, but as it stands now, they are yours. Would you like for me to help you help him to have some problems?”

When they asked what I meant by this, I said, “Well, I think we need to clarify some boundaries so that his actions cause him problems and not you.”

The father asked, “What do you mean by boundaries?”

I said, “Look at it this way. It’s as if he’s your neighbor and he never waters his lawn. But whenever you turn on your sprinkler system, your water falls on his yard. Your grass is brown and dying, but his yard is just fine. That’s how your son’s life is. He doesn’t study or work, yet he has a nice place to live, plenty of money, and all the rights of a family member who is doing his part. If you would define the property lines a little better, if you would fix the sprinkler system so that the water would fall on your lawn, he would have to live with the consequences of his actions. And he might not like that after a while.”

Then I said, “As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy while you are responsible and miserable. You need to change that equation and some clear boundaries would do the trick. You need some fences to keep his problems out of your yard and in his yard, where they belong.”

The father asked, “Isn’t that a bit cruel, just to stop helping like that?”

I asked, “Has helping him helped?”

The look on their faces told me that they were finally beginning to understand.

This is a key idea when it comes to boundaries: boundaries show us the things for which we are responsible and the things for which we are NOT responsible.

Good boundaries reflect ownership. They will help you take ownership of your own feelings, your behavior, your actions. And once you take ownership of these things, then you can start taking responsibility for them. A good boundary helps you say, “This is my property; I’m responsible for this. And that is your property over there; and you are responsible for that.”

We understand how this works out with the boundaries of our own property. Remember my story about my neighbor who puts his trash can in front of my house? He’s crossing the boundary! That’s easy to notice. But we need to be equally clear about our emotional and relational boundaries.

And sometimes we have difficulty marking out that territory.

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Boundaries: Setting Healthy Limits, Part 4

Posted on September 4, 2024 by Jason

We’ve been thinking all week about one key idea: boundaries are biblical. This will be important for us to remember whenever we talk about establishing healthy boundaries in our relationships, particularly if we are tempted to think that boundaries are unloving. As we have seen, God repeatedly establishes boundaries — as He creates the world and also as He gives commands throughout the scriptures.

The writer of the Proverbs summarizes it well:

Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

When we hear the word “heart,” our minds immediately think about love and romance. But according to the Bible, the “heart” is the center of your being. It is the place where your will resides, the place where you make decisions. It sums up your inclinations and your thought processes. We use words like “the mind” but the biblical term for all of this is “the heart.”

This passage is about establishing good guardrails around your heart because life is lived from the heart. As the proverb teaches, one’s entire life flows forth from the heart.

The language here is literally watch your heart or take custody of your heart. When he sang, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine,” Johnny Cash must have been thinking of Proverbs 4:23, because this is what the passage is saying.

What guardrails have you established around your heart? Why is it so important for us to guard our hearts?

Over the next few weeks, we will take these biblical ideas and apply them to our lives in a variety of ways. And the hope is that the Lord will help us as we think about our own boundaries.

Are there some places where your boundaries have been too rigid? Have you drawn lines in areas where the Lord doesn’t?

Maybe there are some areas where you’ve been far too lax. Maybe you’ve let Satan blur the boundaries God has given. This is always his strategy. Can you identify an area of your life where you’re tempted to view God’s protection more like a restriction?

Maybe you have some relationship in your life that needs some attention. Maybe you’ve built up walls in some places. We’ll talk more about this, but just remember that most good boundaries are more like fences with gates to allow appropriate access rather than a wall that cuts you off forever. Maybe you have some fences in need of repair.

Maybe you’re struggling with identifying good boundaries in your marriage, in your parenting, or with your extended family.

Maybe you need to hear that No isn’t a bad word. Maybe you say Yes to everyone and everything but now you’re utterly exhausted because you’ve blurred the boundary of where your responsibilities end and where someone else’s begin.

That’s why I’m so excited about this series. God’s Word speaks to all of these circumstances.

He who has ears, let him hear.

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Boundaries: Setting Healthy Limits, Part 3

Posted on September 3, 2024 by Jason

Boundaries are good because they were a part of God’s originally good creation. God’s entire act of creation can be characterized as establishing proper boundaries.

But in the biblical story, there is another player, one who disregards these boundaries. Satan comes along and blurs God’s good boundaries in the Garden of Eden. And that’s the way he tempts us, too. He continually blurs and corrupts the clear boundaries God has developed. Even though establishing a boundary is a loving thing to do because it provides us with a sense of safety and security, Satan twists that around and actually tempts us into thinking otherwise. If we listen to him long enough, we will convince ourselves that the boundary is a RESTRICTION rather than a PROTECTION.

That’s exactly what we see happening in Genesis 3.

Genesis 3:1-4

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?”

And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'”

But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die.”

This is when the first boundary was crossed and sin entered into the world.

And there are consequences, because trespassing any boundary always brings consequences. There are always consequences for breaking the law.

I got my first speeding ticket when I was 18 years old. I was going 3MPH over the speed limit. I had picked up Sunny and I was taking her to the mall. I had crested this hill and was coasting down the backside when this officer clocked me doing 33MPH in a 30MPH zone. Can you believe that? But I couldn’t really say anything — because technically, I was breaking the law. My actions were out of bounds. And that ticket was the natural consequence of my action.

So when Adam and Eve violate the clear boundary God had established in the Garden, they likewise suffer some consequences.

One of the principles we’ll talk about throughout this series is that boundaries without consequences are not boundaries. We will really dig in to that one when we talk about boundaries in parenting, but it’s true in all relationships. When Adam and Eve transgress this boundary laid out by God, there are some natural consequences. They have to leave the garden to enter into a world of their own creation, a world marked by sin. By violating the boundary, Adam and Eve “unmake” the good world made by God.

Every time God gives a command in the scriptures, He is establishing boundaries. He does this because good boundaries lead to a flourishing life. Moral boundaries, personal boundaries, sexual boundaries, relational boundaries — each one of these is an essential part of a mature life. This is why God has so much to say about these topics. He’s giving us the guidelines we need to build healthy boundaries.

The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20) are basically a set of boundaries. They mark out moral behavior that honors God and behavior that dishonors God — behavior which pleases God and behavior which displeases Him.

You see the same thing in a less familiar passage: Deuteronomy 28. Before the people inhabit the promised land, Moses lays out the blessings for covenant obedience and the corresponding curses associated with disobedience. Moses commands the people to assemble before these two mountains for an important ceremony. Half of the tribes would assemble on Mt. Gerizim (the mount of blessing) and the other half would assemble at Mt. Ebal (the mount of curses) with the Levites congregated between them. And there the Levites were to pronounce the blessings and curses from Deuteronomy. If you’re obedient, you’ll experience these blessings. But if you choose disobedience, God will bring these curses upon you.

The later captivity God’s people would experience — the northern kingdom of Israel in 722 B.C. at the hands of the Assyrians; and the southern kingdom being overthrown by the Babylonians in 586 B.C. — was foretold centuries in advance when God made these pronouncements through Moses. God lays these boundaries out in very clear terms.

Interestingly, one of the curses pronounced on that day is found in Deuteronomy 27:17, Cursed be anyone who moves his neighbor’s landmark. (Maybe I should share that passage with my neighbor before this month’s trash pick-up!) God makes it very clear that He does not approve of violating the predetermined boundaries, either the boundaries He has established or the boundaries separating one person’s property from another.

And the rest of the scriptures repeat this teaching about the importance of establishing and maintaining good boundaries. God couldn’t be clearer: boundaries are good.

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Boundaries: Setting Healthy Boundaries, Part 2

Posted on September 2, 2024 by Jason

Boundaries are biblical.

Boundaries are important because God has created them. They are a part of the good world God created. In fact, boundaries are as old as the world itself. To see this, we’re going to look at the first few chapters of the book of Genesis.

In the creation story in Genesis 1, God creates and separates.

Genesis 1:3-5

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.

God creates by simply saying, “Let there be…” and then He begins separating, drawing lines between light and darkness; between water and dry land; and so on. The entire act of creation is about the establishment of God’s boundaries and limits.

That’s all a boundary is — it’s a limit, a line that should not be crossed. Boundaries help define things. The delineate between what’s mine and what’s yours. And you probably notice when those boundaries are violated.

We have some new neighbors who moved in next door to us. They’re really nice people with young children who play outside and we’ve had the chance to talk with them a few times. But they don’t seem to understand the boundary between our property. We have weekly trash can pick-up every Thursday. I park my green trash can on the curb in front of my house every Thursday. But on the final Thursday of the month, we also have recycling pick-up; these are the blue trash cans. And on recycling day, for some reason, my new neighbor parks his blue trash can in my spot, on the curb in front of my house.

I haven’t said anything to them about this…because I’m a nice guy. But I noticed it!

And the same thing happens in the Garden of Eden. God’s boundary was violated…and He noticed.

God establishes a clear boundary and He communicates this to Adam in Genesis 2.

Genesis 2:16-17

And the Lord commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree in the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

So we see that God established boundaries from the beginning, both in the act of creation and in the establishment of a moral boundary concerning the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This means that boundaries are a good thing. Boundaries pre-date the Fall of Man.

God’s boundary was intended for Adam’s well-being. Good boundaries are always intended for our flourishing. They make us healthier people. Healthy boundaries provide safety and security.

We know this from our experience of parenting. If you have a child in your life, you know that children NEED good boundaries to keep them safe. Moreover, children intrinsically crave these boundaries. They provide children with a necessary sense of security.

In that sense, we see that establishing good boundaries is a loving thing to do.

Healthy people have healthy boundaries — we will see this over and over as we go forward in this series. Just remember that this principle goes all the way back to the beginning. Boundaries are good — because they come from God Himself.

Posted in Boundaries, Faith, Family, God, Kingdom Values, Obedience, Parenting, Preaching, Scripture, Theology | Leave a comment

Boundaries: Setting Healthy Limits, Part 1

Posted on September 1, 2024 by Jason

With seven minutes to go in the third quarter of Super Bowl LII, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Nick Foles threw a 22-yard touchdown pass to running back Corey Clement. The touchdown gave the Eagles a commanding 29-19 lead. But replay showed that Clement was bobbling the ball when he originally got both feet down in the end zone. By the time he secured the ball, his left foot was clearly out of bounds.

However, after reviewing the play, the referees allowed the touchdown to stand, prompting confusion among the broadcasters covering the game. When the touchdown was not overturned, NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth simply said, “I give up!” The touchdown was a critical play in Philadelphia’s eventual eight-point victory over the Patriots.

Just think about how important boundaries are to the game of football.

Boundaries bring clarity. They determine the field of play and the code of conduct. Boundaries define certain actions as “out of bounds” and unacceptable.

Boundaries also bring order. Imagine playing a football game with no boundaries. It would be absolute chaos!

And it’s not just football. Boundaries operate in the same way in our lives in general.

This week, I began a new sermon series called Boundaries: Setting Healthy Limits. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be writing about the importance of setting good boundaries in our lives. Doing so helps you know your own limitations. Healthy boundaries help us to define our responsibilities apart from someone else’s. A good boundary also helps you know when someone else’s behavior is out of bounds.

Do you have a hard time speaking up for yourself?

Do you feel the need to please everyone?

Do you say Yes to everyone without even thinking about how you really feel about their request?

Do you feel guilty every time you try to say No?

Is your life really your life or is it controlled by someone else?

Do you feel as if people sometimes take advantage of your kindness?

Do you try to be everything to everyone?

Do you think that everyone’s need is yours to meet?

If so, then I think you’ll find this series to be incredibly helpful.

I’m basing this series on some material from the bestselling book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book has helped millions of people develop healthier boundaries using biblical principles. I use this material all the time as I am counseling with people but also in my own relationships. Obviously, I think this material has a lot of potential to help us grow emotionally and relationally, which in turn will help us grow spiritually. That’s why I’m really excited about this series and I am asking you to be praying about it.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be covering a lot of ground here on the blog. (If you want to listen to the corresponding sermons, you can listen here on the Mayfair YouTube page or here on Boxcast.) Here are a few of the topics we’ll be covering over the next few weeks:

  • There are three biblical principles to keep in mind when it comes to developing healthy boundaries. Next week, we will look at the first of these: the principle of responsibility from Galatians 6.
  • The following Sunday, Sept. 15, we will look at the second principle for developing healthy boundaries: the principle of reaping.
  • On Sept. 22, we’ll look at the final principle: the principle of respect. I really think these three principles hold some life-changing wisdom and I’m praying that God will use this part of our study to help us in our relationships.
  • On Sept. 29, we will focus on setting healthy boundaries for ourselves.
  • In October, we will turn our attention toward setting healthy boundaries in some specific relationships. On Oct. 6, we will talk about boundaries in our families.
  • On Oct. 13, we will discuss boundaries in parenting.
  • And on Oct. 20 and 27, we will close out this series by talking about boundaries in marriage.

I’m asking you to be praying about this series. My hope is that this practical, biblical wisdom will help us have healthier relationships across the board.

For the rest of this week, I simply want to focus on one idea: boundaries are biblical. I’ll be writing more about this throughout the rest of this week.

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College Sophomores

Posted on August 29, 2024 by Jason

These two started their sophomore years in college this month. Different school, same kids. Wishing them a great year this year!

Posted in Blessings, Family, Kids | Leave a comment

On Ministry

Posted on August 25, 2024 by Jason

This week marks my twenty-five year anniversary serving the local church in full-time ministry. Over the years I’ve worn a few different hats: youth minister, campus minister, associate minister, preaching minister, lead minister. And I’ve been honored to serve in two wonderful churches under the direction and guidance of godly shepherds and alongside some incredibly gifted men and women.

I remember sitting in my office on my first day as the Youth Minister at the Northeast Church of Christ in Kingsport, Tennessee. It took me about an hour to unpack a few things and put my books on the bookshelf. After that, I sat down at my desk and a feeling of terror swept over me. I remember calling my youth minister and mentor, Johnny Markham. At some point in the conversation, I confessed, “I don’t know what to do!” I felt like a complete impostor. Johnny counseled me to start writing notes to the teens in my youth group. “But I don’t know any of them yet!” No matter, just start writing. You’ll figure it out. God will give you something to say.

And so I did.

And He did.

Twenty-five years later, I can’t say that feeling has completely gone away. I’m no longer a rookie and I pretty much know what I’m doing most days. In fact, most days there’s simply too much to do. Not nearly enough time to write all the notes I need to write; not enough time to make all the calls I need to make or write the sermons I need to write or counsel the people I need to counsel. And even though I have been doing this long enough to have learned a thing or two, I still find myself thinking, “I don’t know what to do!” more often than I care to admit. But thankfully, God has continued to be patient with me. And He’s continued to give me something to say.

A twenty-five year anniversary seems like a good moment to look back, to collect all of that accrued experience and to make an attempt at distillation. What have I learned? How would I summarize this calling to ministry?

I’m struck with the juxtaposition of celebrating twenty-five years of being Sunny’s husband and twenty-five years of serving as a minister. When Sunny and I exchanged our wedding vows, I received this new title of “husband.” It was conferred upon me by virtue of our promises and God’s consecration of our relationship. But I had no clue what that really meant on August 14, 1999. I had to grow in my understanding of how to be a husband. In that sense, my marriage was eschatological. I was already a husband and not yet a husband. And slowly, day by day, month by month, I acquired some vital knowledge of how to go about being what I had already been named. I learned how to be a husband by being married.

And ministry has been much the same experience. I was already and not yet a minister. This group of godly elders at the Northeast church anointed me with their trust and called me the congregation’s “youth minister.” And even though I had scant awareness of what this actually meant in practice at the time, I slowly accrued some essential knowledge of this sacred craft.

I learned how to be a minister by ministering.

I showed up at ninth grade soccer games.

I taught Bible classes and drove church vans.

I planned youth group lock-ins and played hide and seek in the auditorium at 3am.

I officiated weddings and funerals.

I baptized and prayed and preached.

I went to the hospital when babies were born and when babies died.

I wept with the weeping and rejoiced with the rejoicing.

I learned how to listen and how to hold people’s hands.

I learned how to tell the truth and when to stay silent.

I’ve had a front row seat to some of the best moments in peoples’ lives. And I’ve had the same seat for some of the worst moments in peoples’ lives, too.

More than anything, I’ve learned that God is faithful. Over and over again, I’ve witnessed His goodness and His faithfulness toward His people. Even in the darkness of the valley of the shadow of death, no weapon that’s fashioned against us can stand. Because He is the faithful God, the One who says, “I am with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you. And I will be with you to the end of the age.”

If He’s given me anything to say about ministry it’s this: ministry is the care of souls through the lightening of loads.

Each of us is weighed down by guilt and shame. Nobody has their act together. Our souls are heavy with regret and pain. We’re all broken by sin. This is universally true.

To minister is to care for such souls. It is to tend to these broken places with the unique blend of grace and truth we have encountered in Jesus himself (John 1:14), the One who first ministered to us. To care for souls in the way of Jesus means loving people enough to tell them the truth. And sometimes that means speaking hard truth, saying things no one else is willing to say. I don’t mean that to sound heroic and there have been plenty of times in my career when I lacked the courage to confront sin with boldness. But somewhere along the way, you come to realize that you have a unique platform to say the thing that no one else will say. It simply comes with the title. And if you’re convicted that you’re standing on the authority of God’s Word, you’ll tell the truth, even if it’s unpleasant. This is part of caring for souls.

But it’s not the only part. And I would say it’s not even the most important part. When God speaks a hard truth to His people, He always follows it with grace, with a promise of restoration. And I’ve come to see that ministry in the way of Jesus is truly the care of souls through the lightening of loads. Wherever possible, however possible, my aim should be to ease the burdens of God’s people in the name of Jesus. That means that when I’m faced with an interpretive decision — a text that can be understood in two or three possible ways — I’ve determined that I will always choose the most redemptive interpretation possible. Because philosophically, the whole message is supposed to be Good News. And the Good News of Jesus seeks to lift these burdens and replace them with a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light (Matt. 11:28-30). This is the rest your soul desperately needs. And this is ministry in its purest form. It is ministry in the way of Jesus.

No one cares for the soul through the lightening of loads quite like Jesus. But all ministry in His name must be conducted in His way.

I’m grateful that He’s allowed me to tell His story for the last twenty-five years. I’m grateful He’s given me this to say.

Even though I still don’t know what I’m doing.

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