You really see all of this coming together in a Gospel story about two people who were healed by Jesus through physical touch.
Matthew 9:18-25
…a ruler came in and knelt before him, saying, “My daughter has just died, but come and lay your hand on her, and she will live.” And Jesus rose and followed him, with his disciples.
And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, “If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.” Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well.
And when Jesus came to the ruler’s house and saw the flute players and the crowd making a commotion, he said, “Go away, for the girl is not dead but sleeping.” And they laughed at him. But when the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took her by the hand, and the girl arose.
The story begins with a man approaching Jesus — we know from the other Gospel accounts that he is a ruler of the synagogue and his name is Jairus. Jairus’s daughter has just died, but He believes that Jesus has the power to bring her back to life. This is incredible faith, so Jesus follows Jairus back to his home.
But on the way to perform this miracle, another miracle breaks out. That’s how powerful and miraculous Jesus is! A woman approaches Jesus and she has been dealing with an extreme medical condition for many years. And we know from the other Gospel accounts that she had spent all of her money on different treatments. And yet she’s no better. But she hears about Jesus and she thinks, “If I could just touch his garment, I will be made well.”
There was a Jewish tradition that said the Messiah would have healing “in his wings” (based on the rabbinic interpretation of Malachi 4:1-2). The rabbis took this to mean that the Messiah’s healing power could flow even through the tassels of His garments. That’s a pretty powerful picture of the Messiah!
So by reaching out for the fringes of His garment, this woman is showing that she believes Jesus is the Messiah — she believes that there is healing power even in the tassels of His clothing.
And this woman is healed instantly because of her faith — the faith that prompted her to reach for Jesus, to touch Him.
Jesus then arrives at Jairus’s house and everyone laughs at Him when He says, “The girl is only sleeping.” But the Bible says that Jesus took this girl by the hand and she arose back to life. She was healed when Jesus touched her.
Two people, both of whom are healed by Jesus.
The woman in the crowd was healed when she reached out and touched Him.
The young girl was healed when Jesus reached down and touched her.
But in both cases, they were comforted and consoled and revived because of this touch.
Do you need to feel the touch of Jesus today?
Maybe you need to have Him reach down and touch part of your life to bring revival, to bring some part of you back to life. Maybe it’s your joy. Maybe it’s your sense of peace. Maybe you need Him to restore a sense of purpose to you. Sometimes we’re like this young girl. We need Jesus to touch our lives and bring us back to life.
And at other times we are like this woman. We need to reach out to Jesus in faith. We need to bring our infirmities to Him, our struggles, our pain. We need to reach out for His healing touch. Maybe today you need to reach out for Him in faith.
Since Jesus is our ultimate example, I want to look at how He did this. Jesus didn’t come to earth as a ghost or a spirit. He came in a physical body. John 1:14, The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. That is important because that physical body would be the means through which He would bring about our redemption. By dying on the cross and being raised back to life.
But that physical body also gave Jesus the opportunity to touch people: to hold their hands when they were crying; to console them by putting a hand on their shoulder; to give a high five or to shake hands or to bow his head in prayer. All of these are possible because Jesus had a physical body.
Here is an incomplete list of the times Jesus demonstrated the power of physical touch in His ministry:
A man with leprosy (Matthew 8:2). Lepers would have been considered “unclean” and “untouchable” in the ancient world. But Jesus touches this man and heals him.
Peter’s mother-in-law (Matthew 8:15). Simon Peter’s mother-in-law was sick with a fever until Jesus touched her. After this, people brought many others to Jesus — people who were possessed by demons and dealing with various physical ailments.
Restoring the ability to see (Matthew 9:29; Matthew 20:34). Matthew records two different instances in which Jesus healed two blind men. In the first story, Jesus asks the two blind men, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” But what He actually says is closer to, “Are you faith-ing that I can do this?” The second time, Jesus was leaving Jericho and two blind men cry out, “Lord, have mercy on us!” And Jesus healed them.
Peter, James, and John at the Transfiguration (Matthew 17:7). These three just witnessed Jesus in all of His glory, which was understandably frightening. But Jesus comes and touches them and says, in characteristic fashion, “Do not be afraid.”
Restoring the ability to hear and speak (Mark 7:33). Mark records this story of Jesus opening up a man’s ability to hear and speak.
Blessing the children (Mark 10:13-16). People were bringing their children to Jesus so that He could bless them. Imagine what He said to those children. I picture Him placing a hand on the shoulder of a little boy and saying, “You are so special.” I see Him embracing a young girl in a hug and saying, with a smile, “God loves you and He will always pursue you.” The disciples scoff at this because children were considered to be insignificant in the ancient world. But Jesus rebukes them. He sees the value in these little ones, so He continues to bless them by laying His hands on them.
Healing the ear of the high priest’s servant (Luke 22:51). When they came to arrest Jesus, Simon Peter drew his sword and cut off the ear of the high priest’s servant. But Jesus puts His healing touch on the servant and heals him. And following this, the guards take Him away. What power and strength and humility!
In every case, Jesus touches these people as a way of bringing healing, as a way of bringing comfort, as a way of consoling and caring for them. In every case, Jesus demonstrates supreme love through physical touch.
Is there someone in your life who needs your touch?
Could it be someone who is in pain?
Someone who is afraid?
Someone who has been told that they are “unclean?”
A child who needs to be blessed?
An enemy who has come to do you harm?
Could it be someone who is having difficulty seeing God’s plan for their life?
Someone who is having difficulty hearing God’s call on their life?
Is it possible that your hand on their shoulder, your secure embrace, could make all the difference to this person?
Physical touch is a powerful communication tool. A handshake is a way of communicating a greeting. Or, perhaps in some circumstances, it represents the sealing of a business agreement. A hug sends a message of warmth and sympathy. A high-five communicates excitement and joy.
Of course, physical touch can also communicate negative emotions. We use metaphors like “a slap in the face” or “a punch to the gut” to communicate shock or pain. These only have significance as metaphors because of the pain associated with these physical touches.
Our focus here is to think about how physical touch can be used appropriately to communicate love. We’re wired for this from the very beginning. It has been well documented that babies need plenty of physical touch at birth. They need to be held because this communicates something to the child in a language far deeper than words. And although we certainly change as we age, we never really outgrow the need for appropriate physical touch.
As we think about this love language, here is an important disclaimer: there is no “one size fits all” application of physical touch as a love language. What we mean is that you have to take physical touch on an individual level, a case-by-case level. There are varying levels of acceptable and appropriate physical touch from one relationship to the next:
With a neighbor or a co-worker, a handshake is probably the limit of what is reasonable and acceptable. You might speak kind words to your co-worker; you can serve your next door neighbor by watering her flowers when she’s on vacation; but you’re probably going to be limited in the ways you can demonstrate love to these people through physical touch.
But with a close friend? There may come a time when that friend will need you to embrace them — when they receive a bit of bad news, for example.
Certainly with your children, your nieces and nephews, your grandchildren — there’s a different level there.
And, of course, the physical touch between a husband and a wife is in a category all by itself.
It is important that we understand that different relationships come with different boundaries. And in order to use physical touch as a way of expressing love, we have to be aware of appropriate boundaries. When it comes to physical touch, boundaries are essential. Unwanted physical touch is unacceptable. There are some people who do NOT respond well to physical touch — and that’s okay. It is incumbent upon us to respect those boundaries.
There are some people in your life for whom physical touch is a primary love language. And for them, appropriate physical touch helps them feel loved.
If you know much about me, you know that I love music. According to Spotify Wrapped, I listened to 1,268 different artists across 80 different genres this year.
But this year was a little different than most years. This year I had a hard time finding a lot of new music / artists that I really liked. As with most years, there was music I really loved — it’s just that there wasn’t as much of it. In some years, I’ve had to exclude some really good music just to whittle down my list of best albums to a top ten. This year, outside of these five records, not much grabbed me and held my attention. That probably says as much about me as it does the quality of music released this year. At my age, I have some fairly entrenched favorites, so something has to really grab me in order to break into my heavy rotation. I also spent a lot of time this year listening to some of my older favorites. (Oasis, for example.)
But that doesn’t mean 2023 wasn’t a banner year for new music. Some of my favorite artists released new records which soundtracked these past twelve months for me. Some of the associations I have with this music will stick with me the rest of my life: songs I was listening to when the twins graduated from high school, when we took them off to college, when Sunny and Jackson and I learned how to be a family of three, etc.
So here is my annual post of the best music (in my opinion) from the last year.
Best Albums of 2023:
Weathervanes by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit.
Laugh Track by the National.
First Two Pages of Frankenstein by the National.
Higher by Chris Stapleton.
One Thing at a Time by Morgan Wallen.
2023 Album of the Year: Weathervanes by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit
This album has been on constant repeat for me since it was released in June. I’ve been a part of Isbell’s fan club for the past decade. His landmark 2013 album Southeastern still looms as my favorite album ever thanks to songs like Cover Me Up, Live Oak, Elephant, and Traveling Alone. But Weathervanes is another career highlight, marked in particular by the brilliant playing of Isbell’s longtime band, the 400 Unit. With an Americana / rock sound that has been honed by years of live shows together, the band has never sounded better than they do on Weathervanes. And as the album’s producer, Isbell gives these songs plenty of space to grow, particularly the longer tracks on the back half of the record like This Ain’t It and Miles.
Isbell’s songwriting is also exemplary — although it may be more appropriately called “story-writing.” It sometimes takes a hundred pages to reach pathos in a novel; for Isbell, it’s more like four minutes (give or take). For example, Cast Iron Skillet is a perfect distillation of the kind of well-worn and hard-won wisdom you often heard growing up in the South. But there’s also an ugly cultural flipside to this kind of upbringing, one that many of us would just as soon not talk about. Yet Isbell unflinchingly shines the light on this world of biases and prejudices with a tone of mournful lament — personalized by the tale of Jamie and her boyfriend. I think Isbell has an uncommon knack for prompting legitimate reflection on things that matter — and in the case of Cast Iron Skillet, he does this in a little under three and a half minutes. And this is just one of many such songs on the record. The foreboding and paranoia are palpable on another standout track, Save the World: a somber reflection on anxiety in an age of school shootings. Middle of the Morning perfectly captures the mental fatigue of having too much time on our hands — something most of us experienced during the pandemic. Strawberry Woman has my favorite romantic-yet-not-romantic line: “You were thick cut bacon on Texas toast.” But he follows up with one that lands a little closer to the mark: “I’d sell the farm to see you smile / But it might just happen if we wait a while.”
But the song I’ve played more than any other from this album is King of Oklahoma. When I think back on the music of 2023, this is the song that will come to mind most readily. In his live shows, Isbell likes to talk about the fact that he doesn’t really write happy songs, only sad ones. And this one is definitely an all-timer. (Poor Molly.) It’s another classic “story song” with a down-and-out protagonist and blistering guitar riffs — and the highlight of the album.
The only thing better than listening to this record is hearing these great songs live, something I’ve done a couple of times already this fall. Just a great record by my favorite artist.
The National, Chris Stapleton, and Morgan Wallen
Here are some other stray thoughts about music from 2023:
The National put out two fantastic albums this year, April’s First Two Pages of Frankenstein and the surprise release of Laugh Track this fall. And I feel like each of these two records capture something essential about the band: on Frankenstein, Aaron Dessner’s meticulously beautiful songcraft and production; and on Laugh Track, the looser feel of the band performing live. I kind of wish that they had just combined these recording sessions into one really killer album. At the bottom of this post, I might just post my alternative reality single LP of the best cuts from these two albums. But as it is, National fans surely enjoyed the generous helpings in 2023.
Chris Stapleton just churns out some really good stuff. While I haven’t fallen in love with this new album as a whole, there are definitely some standout songs on Higher. My favorites include What Am I Gonna Do and It Takes a Woman.
Morgan Wallen dominated the year with his triple-album One Thing at a Time. Of course, 36 songs is excessive and indulgent. But it seemed to work for Zach Bryan, I guess. So why not? Now that I think of it, if Wallen had pared this material down to the best 12-15 songs, he’d have an incredible album. But as it is, there’s still plenty of filler on One Thing at a Time. But it’s a fun mental exercise to imagine these songs as part of an all-time great country record.
The National, First Two Pages of Laugh Tracksetlist
Once Upon a Poolside (feat. Sufjan Stevens)
Eucalyptus
Deep End (Paul’s in Pieces)
Weird Goodbyes (feat. Bon Iver)
Tropic Morning News
Turn Off the House
New Order T-Shirt
Tour Manager
This Isn’t Helping (feat. Phoebe Bridgers)
Crumble (feat. Roseanne Cash)
Laugh Track (feat. Phoebe Bridgers)
The Alcott (feat. Taylor Swift)
Space Invader
Grease in Your Hair
Your Mind Is Not Your Friend (feat. Phoebe Bridgers)
Tell me that’s not one great album.
Morgan Wallen, One Thing at a Time (edit)
Don’t Think Jesus
Last Night
Everything I Love
Devil Don’t Know
One Thing at a Time
I Wrote the Book
Tennessee Numbers
Thought You Should Know
Me + All Your Reasons
Tennessee Fan
Money on Me
Days That End in Why
Outlook
I know I’m leaving off You Proof, which is probably the biggest song on the album. But there are so many better songs here. This would also be a fantastic record.
My favorite local artist, Jackson Bybee, released some new music this year under the moniker “The Band Hiraeth.” He and his good friend, Pat McRight, have been recording music under this name and I’m excited to see how some of their future projects come together. On the playlist below, you’ll find two of their songs, “The Meadow” and “Videlicet.”
We’ve already talked about words of affirmation in this series. Some people really need to hear those words in order for their emotional tanks to be filled. But there are others among us who are more of the mindset that actions speak louder than words. For these people, they’re thinking, “I don’t need you to tell me that you love me. I want you to show me that you love me — show me by what you do, not by what you say.“
For these people, acts of service is their love language.
These people are usually pretty easy to identify in your family because they’ll do exactly what Martha does in this passage: they’ll complain about having to do it all while nobody else helps.
Chapman says that they begin to “nag” — they will fixate on the things that aren’t being done and, like Martha, they have no problem vocalizing this.
But we have to remember that people tend to criticize most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Chapman says this criticism is simply a plea for love.
So he suggests that we should see the “nag” as a “tag” — as a way of our loved one saying, “I need you to love me here.”
Whenever our loved one begins to complain, we have an opportunity to hear it as a cry for love.
The Bible tells us repeatedly that love is expressed through acts of service. I love the succinct way Paul emphasizes this in Galatians 5.
Serve one another in love.
Galatians 5:13
You can probably think of countless ways to serve people in a spirit of Christian love: mowing the grass, loading the dishwasher, helping a friend move to a new apartment.
But with acts of service, it’s not just about what you do. How you do it is really important. With acts of service, attitude is everything. We are told to serve one another in love. That means that the act of service can’t be done begrudgingly — or else it’s not a full act of love.
Let’s say you’re a teenager and your Mom’s love language is acts of service. And she asks you to unload the dishwasher.
You can unload the dishwasher as an act of love — because you love this dear woman who carried you in her womb and gave birth to you after 15 hours of grueling labor, this woman who fed you and clothed you, etc. You can unload the dishwasher out of the overflow of the lifetime of love this woman has lavished upon you.
Or, you can unload the dishwasher with a bad attitude. You’re slamming the utensil drawer and you’re fuming that you have to come and do these chores, etc. You’re technically unloading the dishwasher, but you’re trying to weaponize that act of service — which completely misses the point.
Which one of those does Mom receive as an act of love? Of course, it’s obvious.
Attitude is everything when it comes to acts of service.
You can’t have a bad attitude about it or it doesn’t count. Your loved one has a Spidey-sense about this — they know you too well and if he / she will see that bad attitude every time.
If you’re doing something begrudgingly or out of some sense of obligation, it kind of takes away from the spirit of love.
We began this series by talking about how Jesus demonstrates love through all five of these love languages. He is our ultimate example — we should always be striving to love people like Jesus loves people. So it’s no surprise that Jesus gives us such a clear example of how an act of service can be an expression of love.
Biblical vector illustration series, Jesus washing apostles feet
John 13:1-5
It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.
The evening meal was being served … so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
As Jesus and His followers gather together for the Passover meal, it says that He showed them the full extent of his love. John uses a phrase here that literally reads, He loved them to the end, to the finish. The Greek word is telos, which means “goal” or “end point.” John is saying that Jesus loved them fully, to the very end.
In fact, just a few chapters later, when John writes about Jesus dying on the cross, he tells us that Jesus said, “It is finished,” (John 19:30) — and the word John uses is the same word, telos.
If you were reading this Gospel in its original language, the link between the foot washing and the death of Jesus would be evident.
Both of them are acts of service, motivated by love.
Both the foot washing and the crucifixion were radical, even shocking. And sometimes, in order to serve someone in love, we have to follow His example by doing something radical.
In the ancient world, foot washing was the work of household servants. This was a culture that was very mindful of things like honor and shame that were associated with one’s status. But Jesus takes this servant role upon Himself, which shocked the disciples. And He does this because to love someone is to serve them, to put their needs ahead of your own.
And of course, the crucifixion was even more shocking. No one expected the Messiah to die, certainly not at the hands of the Romans, certainly not as a convicted felon, an enemy of the state. But that’s what the crucifixion represented. And yet, for the joy set before Him Jesus endured the cross (Heb. 12:2). And He did this as a way of serving us in love.
Who can you serve this week? Following the example of Jesus, whose feet are you willing to wash this week? How can you apply the example of Jesus to your neighbor? Your co-workers? Your teachers at school? Your children? Your spouse?
Let’s use acts of service to demonstrate love to those around us.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been reflecting on the five love languages identified by Dr. Gary Chapman. I think this has the potential to spark good discussion with loved ones, with the goal of being more attuned to the ways people receive love. For those of us who follow Jesus, we’re trying to love as He loved.
I noted a few weeks back that everyone needs to experience all five of these love languages. But it is also true that everyone has a primary love language. And the conflict that occurs in a marriage or within a family can often be attributed to the fact that we speak different love languages.
Here’s a common scenario as an example: say you have a husband whose primary love language is physical touch and a wife whose primary love language is words of affirmation. They’ve both been really busy for the past few days and they finally have some time together. She wants to sit down and talk because she has a week’s worth of things to tell her husband. And she wants him to talk, too! Meanwhile, all he wants to do is go to the bedroom with her.
How do you think that’s going to play out? There’s some conflict brewing in that scenario. And neither one is right or wrong — it’s just that they speak different love languages.
Chapman says that we tend to criticize our loved ones most loudly in the area where we have the deepest emotional need. He says your spouse’s criticism about your behavior provides you with the clearest clue as to his / her primary love language.
So in the scenario we just described, the wife is thinking, I don’t feel loved because we haven’t had the chance to talk.
And the husband is thinking, I don’t feel loved because we haven’t had any physical contact.
And when the inevitable conflict comes, those are the kinds of things that are going to be voiced — because these two have different love languages.
There is a story in the Bible where this kind of conflict plays out — although it isn’t conflict between a husband and a wife. Instead, the conflict is between two sisters. But the root of the conflict is that they evidently spoke different love languages.
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving.
And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me alone to serve? Tell her then to help me.”
But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10:38-42
We normally hear this passage as a rebuke of Martha while Mary is praised for focusing on Jesus. But I think we can learn something else, too.
Martha is like a lot of women I know: she concerns herself with everything that has to be done in order to be a good hostess. It’s all well and good that Mary gets to sit at the feet of Jesus. But Martha is probably thinking, That’s because I’m taking care of everything else! So she says to Jesus, “Don’t you care that my sister has left me to serve alone?” Martha seems to resent the fact that she’s been left alone in the kitchen to get everything ready. And on top of that, Mary doesn’t even help serve the food! So Martha wants Jesus to be the referee: “Tell her to help me!” Her emotional tank is pretty low.
If you had to guess, what is Martha’s love language? I think it’s pretty obvious that her love language is acts of service.
And Mary? She seems like a quality time person. Her emotional tank is full because she is able to spend time with Jesus.
Again, you can look at this and say that Mary is in the right and Martha is wrong — because Mary has her focus on Jesus. That’s true. But this story also shows us what happens when we don’t appreciate each other’s love languages — when we don’t take account of the way other people tend to feel loved.
Martha should realize that her sister’s love language is quality time, so she shouldn’t be so anxious and troubled, as Jesus says to her. That’s a fair point.
But at the same time, Mary should also recognize that Martha’s love language is acts of service, so it would be better for her to get up and at least help set the table after Martha has spent all day in the kitchen!
Just imagine how this story would play out differently if these two sisters simply acknowledged each other’s love languages!
I want to close out this portion of the love language series with another look at Scripture. This might be the most powerful example of quality time I can find in the Bible.
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place …. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him.
And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.
Job 2:11-13
In the midst of unfathomable tragedy, Job’s friends do two things to express their love for their brother. They showed up and they shut up (at least at first). They joined Job in his pain, coming alongside of him in this hour of sorrow. And they simply want to be present with him, for they know that there are some circumstances for which there are simply no words.
In the moment when he needed his friends the most, these three trusted companions give Job an incredible gift: the gift of their time, even in the midst of his pain.
Look again at the actions these friends took:
They came to Job. They didn’t flinch or recoil at Job’s pain, as some might have. Instead, they make a move toward their friend.
They planned ahead. They made an appointment to collectively offer sympathy and comfort.
They wept with him. His tears became their tears.
They sat with him. They got down on his level, joining him in the dust and dirt (an ancient form of grieving).
They didn’t feel the need to say anything. They were content to simply be present with Job in his pain.
This is the gift of quality time, even in the face of tragedy. We cannot alleviate the pain our friends and loved ones might be experiencing. But we can let them know that they’re not walking through their pain all alone. We can come alongside and weep with them and hold their hand and wipe their tears.
This is a powerful example of what it looks like to gift someone with our time.
Well, it’s more than simply spending time together. It needs to be quality time, not just down time. Quality time is NOT just sitting in the same room together. It’s not “screening in proximity.” You know what that is, right? It’s when you are scrolling on your phone while your partner is watching TV (or vice versa). Technically, you’re spending time in the same room. But that’s down time, not quality time.
To be clear, down time is really important. Everyone needs some time to unwind. And down time can be a sliver of your quality time. But it can’t be the main piece.
Down time is not quality time.
Put simply, quality time means making time. It’s a universal principle that we make time for the things that are important. We make time to go to the doctor because our health matters to us. We make time for recreational activities. Nobody has to tell me when my football team is playing — I plan my weekend around each game.
And the same holds true when it comes to time with our loved ones. We make time for them, we plan on being together. We currently have a text thread going with family members, trying to nail down plans for the holidays. It’s just what you do. We prioritize each other by making time for one another.
Years ago, a good friend of mine said something I still remember. He said, “Jason, I just want you to know that whenever I see your name pop up on my phone, I’m answering your call. Unless I’m having surgery and I absolutely cannot get to the phone, I will field your call any time.” That was my friend telling me that he would always make time for me, no matter what. And as someone who values quality time, that was important to me.
Quality time is made up of two key elements:
Quality conversation
Quality activities
Quality time is simply making time to talk together and making time to do things together. In a marriage, this might mean talking while you’re folding the laundry together. I should add, it could also mean going to the indoor shooting range and having a conversation about gun safety! With a good friend, it might mean a monthly phone call to check in. It might mean using that time to plan a trip together next summer. The possibilities are pretty limitless, as long as there is quality conversation and quality activity.
Quality Conversation
In The Five Love Languages, Chapman writes: “Quality conversation is quite different from the first love language. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.”
Quality conversation requires that we listen.
When we were first married, I had to learn the lesson that many young husbands eventually learn. Sunny has been teaching third grade for most of the time we’ve been married. And she would be telling me about some situation at school, some issue she was trying to work through. And I would listen for a couple of minutes and then I would blurt out, “You know, you ought to do so and so.” And I thought I was offering up some brilliant solution to her problem.
But I learned that Sunny usually wasn’t wanting me to fix her problem. She was just wanting me to listen. She just wanted to know that I cared enough to listen as she talked it out. I learned that she’s pretty capable of solving her problems on her own, especially as they pertain to her classroom and her students. She simply wanted me to listen.
If you’re married, you’ve probably experienced this tension. Ladies, you probably know that problem solving is still the “default setting” for us guys. So you’ll probably have to continue to be patient with us if we fall back into this pattern from time to time. But when I shared this with our church, one of my good friends told me how he and his wife address this together. Whenever his wife is sharing some problem situation, he asks, “Honey, am I listening or am I fixing? Let me know what you need from me and I’ll do it.” I think that’s incredibly wise. Asking this up front helps us know how to best demonstrate love to our spouse. Am I listening or am I fixing?
Chapman offers up five keys to quality conversation, which I have modified slightly:
Five Keys to Quality Conversation:
Maintain consistent eye contact. This is listening 101. Good listening begins not with the ears, but with the eyes. It helps us stay focused on the person and what they are saying.
Don’t try to multi-task while listening. The research is nearly unanimous here — multi-tasking decreases productivity and memory while also diluting your attention. It also communicates a lack of interest. (Sidebar: the research also shows that the people who think they’re good at multi-tasking are actually the worst.) Good listening means being fully present, both in mind and body.
Listen for feelings, not just facts. We should hear the information in the conversation, but we should also ask, “What emotion is this? What is my loved one feeling right now?” You can even clarify by saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling ___________. Is that correct?” Some of us have to learn how to do this. I didn’t grow up this way. We never really talked about our feelings as a family. I can’t picture my Dad walking in and saying to my Mom or me, “Let’s talk about our feelings.” But I’m proof that you CAN learn to listen at this level. The feelings are often driving the conversation way more than the facts anyway.
Observe body language. We’re talking about trembling hands and clenched fists. Smiling or frowning. Arms crossed or animated hands. Sometimes body language is telling the real story better than words.
Refuse to interrupt. Chapman notes that the average person listens for only 17 seconds before interrupting and interjecting his / her own ideas. 17 seconds! That’s not giving someone your undivided attention.
Quality Activity
This is just about finding something to do together. It’s really not so much about the action, it’s more about the intention. It’s more about the connection the activity brings about. So, really, almost anything can count as quality time if you’re present and attentive to one another.
To say it differently, it’s about presence, not just proximity.
If you have someone in your life whose love language is quality time, it’s really easy to fill their emotional tank as long as you do two things:
Be intentional.
Be present.
Examples:
Go fishing with your grandson.
Take your friend to dinner to celebrate her birthday.
Offer to babysit for your neighbors so they can go out. (This is giving someone the gift of quality time with someone else.)
Go to the grocery store with your wife.
Watch Wheel of Fortune with your father-in-law.
The sky is really the limit on the ways you can share quality time with your loved ones just by being intentional and being present.
If you show me how you spend your time, I can show you what you love.
That’s because the way we use our time is an indicator of what we love.
It has been said that time is more valuable than money. You can borrow money from a friend if you find yourself a little short at the end of the month. There are at least some avenues to pursue if you find yourself needing a few extra dollars. But you cannot borrow time. There are 24 hours in every day, 168 hours in every week. In that regard, time is priceless.
Time and money are similar in at least one regard: both of them can be “spent.” But even though you can spend time, you cannot store it. Once you have used it, you can never get it back. No amount of money or fame can buy you more time.
I think that’s why we’re told in the Scriptures to make the most of our time — or, in my grandmother’s Bible, to redeem the time (Ephesians 5:16).
Time is one of our most precious commodities. And one of the best uses of our time is to spend it by loving others well.
When a faith community gathers for worship, they are collectively affirming this idea. Worship is a way of prioritizing our time to express love for God. Throughout the Bible, you see God’s people regularly engaged in the rituals of worship and communion as a way of spending time with God and with one another.
The word “holiday” is just a mash-up of the words “holy days.” In the Old Testament, the Jewish people had many such “holy days” set aside for worshipping and honoring God. Days like Passover and Pentecost and the Day of Atonement were annual dates on the Hebrew calendar, days made holy (set apart) for worship and sacrifice.
God also gave the Israelites a weekly time called the Sabbath. Exodus 20:8, Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. The Sabbath was a way of sacralizing time, which is just a fancy way of saying that the Israelites were to make that time “holy” by devoting it to God. They were to set aside the time from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday as sacred time. All work was to cease and the people were to rest and reflect on the God who rested at the conclusion of His creative work and reflected enough to call His work “good.”
The Sabbath was to be sacred and set apart as a way of honoring God, who is sacred and set apart.
And these Old Testament “holy days” set the stage for the worship of the early church we find in the New Testament. We find numerous examples of the early church gathering on the first day of the week. Although these brothers and sisters surely met together at other times through the week, this time was “set apart.” This tradition goes all the way back to Resurrection Sunday when the disciples were gathered together on the first day of the week (John 20:19).
In his record of the early church, Luke tells of being with Paul and the other believers in Troas. He notes that these early disciples were gathered together to break bread on the first day of the week (Acts 20:7). And in one of his letters to the saints in Corinth, Paul admonishes them, On the first day of the week, each of you is to put something aside and store it up, as he may prosper… (1 Corinthians 16:2).
Gathering together for worship and communion and fellowship is so important. It is a way of prioritizing our relationship with God and also prioritizing our time with our brothers and sisters in Christ. And this Christian practice goes all the way back to the Resurrection itself.
It’s not a stretch to say that we gather with the believing, confessing community because we believe in the importance of quality time.
Time with our brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus, praising the name of our Savior whose blood makes us family.
And time with our Creator God, the One who saves us and sustains us, the One who redeemed us from the pit.
When we worship, we are giving God the love language of quality time.
A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
Proverbs 25:11
Gold stands out, even when surrounded by silver. And the writer of Proverbs says that the right word spoken at the right time stands out in similar fashion.
I will always associate this verse with a devotional from my youth group days. We called it “the apple devotional” and it took place every year at our fall retreat. On the last night we would get in a big room and our youth minister told us to sit in a circle. In the middle of the circle was a basket filled with these “apples” made of gold construction paper. One at a time, you were supposed to get up, take an “apple” and give it to someone, saying something encouraging about them. “You’re my best friend.” “You’re always there for me.” “You always know how to make me laugh.” “In the worst moments of my life, I knew I could count on you.” It was just this huge time of encouragement.
I can still remember some of the words of encouragement I received that night.
I remember words my friends spoke over me and the opportunity I had to let them know how much they meant to me.
I remember some of the things that my youth minister said to me that 100% changed my life.
Those words filled me with encouragement and hope and they helped me hear God’s call on my life. I’m someone who has been loved well through words of encouragement and affirmation.
And starting back then, I began collecting all the encouraging notes that I received from people. I keep a file that is now several inches thick — filled with these notes from twenty and thirty years ago alongside notes I’ve received recently. It contains a lot of notes from Sunny; she’s always so good to write the most thoughtful things inside my birthday cards. My kids have written me a lot of notes over the years and they’ve gone into the file, too. It has notes from members of the church we served in Kingsport, Tennessee all the way back in 1999. It has cards from parents whose children I influenced, church members whose family members I married or buried, friends who simply wanted to encourage me with their kindness.
These words have done for me what Barnabas did for Paul and John Mark. They have encouraged me, helped me, filled me with strength.
They have been apples of gold in settings of silver to me.
Because encouraging words always make a difference.
If you want to use your words to love people well, here are five statements everyone needs to hear. Each of these statements is an expression of love.
I love you.
I respect you.
I’m sorry.
I forgive you.
I appreciate you for ________________.
“I love you.”
I suppose this one is obvious, but everyone needs to hear these words. And we need to hear them repeatedly throughout our lives.
You don’t want to be like the guy in the old preacher story. (I remember my preacher telling this story in one of his sermons decades ago.) The story goes like this: an older couple comes in for marriage counseling. The wife says to the counselor, “He never tells me that he loves me.” The counselor looks at the husband and asks, “Is this true?” The husband replies, “Well, yes, it’s true. But I told her that I loved her on the day we got married. If I had changed my mind, I would have said so.”
Yeah, you don’t want to be like that guy.
If there is someone in your life whose love language is words of affirmation, they need to hear this from you quite often. You might think, “Well, that’s just not me. I’m a person of few words.” But that’s the problem — love isn’t only about you. It’s about the other person. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says love does not seek its own (KJV) — it does not insist on its own way (ESV).
Your loved ones need to hear “I love you.”
“I respect you.”
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs pointed this out in his best-selling book. He noted that women need to hear, “I love you,” and men need to hear, “I respect you.” I’m sure there’s some truth to that claim. But it’s also a generalization and those can often times miss the mark. No doubt there are both men AND women in our lives who need to hear us say how much we respect them.
Here are just a few examples of what this might sound like:
“I have a lot of respect for the way you run your business.”
“I respect the way you prioritize your family. It shows.”
“I respect how bold you are in your faith.”
Maybe you’re not really close enough to say, “I love you,” to a co-worker or neighbor. Fair enough. But you could probably find a way to say, “I respect you.”
An offshoot of this that I use all the time is “I admire you.” It’s just another way of saying that you respect someone. Pick out a quality that you admire and then let them know.
“I’m sorry.”
It is a loving thing to apologize when you’re in the wrong. It puts us in a posture of humility to admit that we have hurt someone else. Often times, a simple apology goes a long way because the hurting person is just wanting us to acknowledge their pain.
I should probably make it clear that we’re talking about sincere apologies here. Sometimes when we use the phrase, “I’m sorry,” it doesn’t really sound like we’re sorry. Sometimes people will say, “Well, I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive that your feelings keep getting hurt.” That doesn’t really sound like you’re sorry.
I have a friend who told me that instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” she tries to say, “Will you forgive me?” We hear “I’m sorry” all the time, so much that it can lose some of its meaning. But to say “Will you forgive me?” requires tremendous vulnerability — and there’s real power in that statement.
Is there someone who needs to hear those words from you?
“I forgive you.”
Closely related to “I’m sorry” is “I forgive you.” These are some of the most powerful words we’ll ever have the chance to speak.
If you ever find yourself in a position where someone is asking for your forgiveness, remember what it says in 1 Corinthians 13:5 — love keeps no record of wrongs.
You will never be more Christlike than when you forgive someone who has wronged you, when you love someone who does not deserve your love. Jesus prays from the cross, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
It is such a loving thing when someone lays down their right to be aggrieved, when they release the burden of guilt from someone and say, “I forgive you.” The opportunities to say this don’t come around very often, but if you ever find yourself in this spot, I hope you’ll remember that the most Christlike thing you’ll ever do is to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it.
“I appreciate you for ____________________ (fill in the blank).”
Psychologist William James says that one of the deepest human needs is the need to feel appreciated. So fill in the blank on this one. If you were to say this to your loved ones, what would you say?
When is the last time you said something like this to a co-worker?
Your children?
Your parents?
Your siblings?
Your spouse?
Here’s the ultimate test: when is the last time you said this to your in-laws? (Gary Bradley, one of my mentors, would say, “Okay, You’ve gone from preaching to meddling with this one, Jason.”)
If you want to improve your relationship with your son-in-law, your daughter-in-law, your mother-in-law, try loving them with words of affirmation. Tell them what you appreciate about them. You can say, “I really appreciate the way you care for my daughter.” Or, “You raised an incredible son and I am blessed to have him in my life.” Those words of appreciation will go a long way.
My mother’s mother once told me something about my Dad after he passed away. She said, “Alton didn’t have much to say when was around us.” I pictured my mother and all of her sisters sitting around the kitchen table talking and I thought, “Yeah, I bet he couldn’t get in a word. Nobody could.” But my grandmother said, “He didn’t say much around us but he always complimented my cooking. He knew that was important to me.”
Could this be our homework this week? To tell someone that you appreciate them? It sounds pretty simple. But imagine what God could begin to do through that intentional, loving action. God changes the world through intentional, loving actions.
Let’s use our words this week to show love to the people in our lives.
already & not yet 