I made my weekly trek to Wal-Mart last night. I’m getting better…I was in and out in about 35 minutes. It helps that Sunny makes out the shopping list aisle by aisle. I’m telling you, she’s like a machine. Out of the approximately 50 or 60 items I bought last night, she only had one out of order on her list. Truly amazing.
I had quite a bit of time on my hands in the check-out line (85 check out registers; 4 were open), so I had plenty of time to think. Here are just a few nuggets from my stream of consciousness inner monologue:
- The headline on the National Enquirer read: Redneck Vampire Attacked in Trailer Park. What kind of world are we living in when Redneck Vampires aren’t even safe in their own trailer parks? They had a picture of this supposed “Redneck Vampire”; he looked like Willie Nelson with fangs. I couldn’t tell if the picture was taken before or after the attack.
- That reminds me, did I ever tell you I roomed with a vampire in college? If you haven’t heard it, it’s a great story.
- Tom & Katie, I hope you guys work it out. If not for your sake, then for mine. I counted no fewer than 5 publications headlining the uber-couples marital troubles. Don’t get me wrong; I wish them well. But aren’t there other issues for the tabloids to discuss? Like a Gothic Werewolf getting mugged in his duplex or something?
- For the life of me, I will never understand the fashion statement that is the wool toboggan in 80 degree weather. I grew up calling them toboggans, but did you know they’re also called tuques? Who knew?
- Why do they “card” you when you walk in at Sam’s Club? It’s not like you can check out without the card. Why do I need to prove that I’m a Sam’s Club Member twice? Seriously?
- This didn’t happen to me in the check-out line, but I had this Chevy Tahoe follow me from the front door to my car and wait for me to unload all my groceries, all so she could have my parking spot (which was pretty sweet, I must admit). But that leads me to ask you, intrepid readers, how long would you wait for a primo parking spot at Wal-Mart? I’m of the mind that if it’s not free when I drive by, I ain’t waiting. Seriously, I’ll bet Tahoe girl waited at least 5 minutes for me to walk to the car, unload my stuff and put my shopping cart up. In the time it took me to do all that, she could’ve already been inside reading about Redneck Vampires or something.
already & not yet 
For the benefit of your readers, and to keep the record clear, I was not the vampire.
Good catch, Matt. Lest anyone be confused, let me go on record here: to the best of my knowledge, Matt is not, nor has he ever been, a vampire. A Beverly Hills 90210 fan, yes, but a vampire, no. It was my first college roommate. Ahh, Bishop….
I was trying to remember his name and all I could think of was Willow, but I knew that name belonged to someone else. Memories . . .
I had forgotten about the vampire dude. Good times, good times.And don’t scoff about the werewolves in duplexes. They are real, man.
Willow! “No that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time…”Yeah, if things hadn’t gone awry for Bishop, I’d be telling people that I’d seen every episode of Highlander thanks to my college roommate (instead of 90210). I hope he never reads this…
Hilarious post! I was thinking some of the same thoughts regarding tabloids when standing in the Wal-mart line this week. I also wonder why they waste their precious floor square footage with 85 lines when there are never very many open.
I must admit that through the renovation process of our Wal-Mart, they have begun opening more registers…and they have put in self-checkouts! Of course they still don’t have the products in stock that I need, but hey, I can check out more quickly the things that I didn’t want in the first place.